


Il vento della vita

by KittyHawke



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF, Festival di Sanremo RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-01-20 21:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21288764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyHawke/pseuds/KittyHawke
Summary: Ermal finds himself on a Chinese train in search of one last adventure before he settles down. Sharing his compartment is Fabrizio, a free-spirited traveller who offers the chance to briefly experience a life far removed from Ermal's carefully ordered existence. This adventure could change everything.
Relationships: Ermal Meta/Fabrizio Moro
Comments: 57
Kudos: 34





	1. Guangzhou

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is just a little story idea that I started writing and found I enjoyed. Consider this AU China because I can only attest to the accuracy of town names, so if there are inaccuracies I ask that it be ignored 😅 If you enjoy, please leave a kudos and/or comment. Thank you ❤️

Ermal pulled his suitcase along the crowded platform, checking the numbers on each carriage to find the one which corresponded to his ticket. It was near the back of the train. He walked so far along the platform that the crowd had largely dispersed before he found it, and lifted his suitcase into the passage. The compartments were separated by a curtain and he could only find one bathroom, consisting of a hole in the floor to squat over. How exotic. The Chinese way of doing things was certainly a far cry from home, but that was why he’d wanted to come, to experience new things. He pushed aside the curtain and stepped into a narrow room with two bunk beds taking up almost all the space available. If he sat on the bottom bunk and extended his legs fully, he could rest his feet on the neighbouring bed.

The compartment was already occupied by a man with tanned skin and dark hair stuck up in careless tufts as if it had never met a comb in its life. He was wearing a dark green T-shirt and a matching coat, both of which looked like they’d been stolen from a homeless person, but the adorably awkward way he turned and waved in greeting set Ermal at ease immediately. Judging by his distinctly European looks, this was his roommate for the journey from Guangzhou to Guilin. At least he seemed like a friendly sort.

“Ni hao” Ermal said, shuffling sideways towards the unoccupied bunk.

“Hello” the man replied in heavily accented English.

“Hello,” Ermal nodded in acknowledgement. “You speak English?”

The man gazed back at him blankly, which afforded Ermal plenty of time to admire how dark his eyes were. Very pretty. And the neatly groomed facial hair really suited him. Funny how he took such care of his beard and didn’t bother to brush his hair. Anyway, that was hardly his concern. The man was still staring at him.

“English?” he said, as if the word was foreign on his tongue. “Uh, no English. I speak Italian.”

“You’re Italian?” Ermal immediately slipped into his second language. “So am I. Well…Anyway, I’m from Milan. How strange that we got the same compartment.” Or maybe it wasn’t strange, he considered. Perhaps the booking agent had noted their nationalities and thrown them together so they would have someone to talk to on the trip. Ermal could make himself understood in a couple of languages, but Chinese was not among them and he’d relied on a phrasebook for most of his trip. Attempting conversation over several hours with a native was beyond his abilities.

His new roommate smiled, a brilliant beam that lit up his face and immediately took ten years off him. “I am from Rome. My name is Fabrizio.”

He extended his hand and Ermal shook it, responding with his own name. “So,” he added, turning to unpack his pyjamas. “What brings you to China?”

“Work,” Fabrizio replied. “I’m a travel writer.”

“That sounds exciting!” Ermal declared, his enthusiasm bubbling over. Fabrizio chuckled. “It’s interesting,” he said. “I love seeing the world. Sitting in airports is a different story.”

“I can imagine. My plane was delayed by nine hours. I was in the airport from nine in the morning until nearly ten at night.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. When big transcontinental flights are delayed, they are really delayed. One small problem at one end and suddenly you’re twelve hours behind. At least you’re here,” Fabrizio remarked sympathetically. His face suddenly lit up as if he’d remembered something. “I know what might cheer you up.”

He rummaged in the backpack beside him, emerging with two packages wrapped in tinfoil. Ermal watched curiously as he carefully peeled back the foil and the smell of cheese filled the compartment. He began salivating at once. “Oh my God, I love you!”

Fabrizio fortunately looked amused, not startled, but nevertheless Ermal felt embarrassed by his impromptu confession. “Sorry,” he muttered, his eyes still fixed on the sandwich even as he spoke. “I’ve been living on noodles for the past two weeks. Beef noodles, chicken noodles, I dream of noodles. I would sell my soul for some bread and cheese.”

“No need for that, as long as I get half” Fabrizio said, passing one of the precious pieces of bread across to him. Ermal sat down on his bunk, sank his teeth into the bread, and made some orgasmic groans of joy. Fabrizio watched him, grinning unstoppably, before taking a bite of his own snack.

“You remind me of my reaction when I first tried Belgian chocolate,” he said. “So what brings you to China?”

The cheese, up until now the most delicious thing Ermal had ever tasted, turned to sawdust in his mouth. He struggled to swallow and fixed his eyes on the floor. “I’m…Well, actually I’m getting married next month so this is my last chance for a big adventure” he admitted, preparing himself for the inevitable question.

“Where’s your fiancée?”

“She’s not here.”

“I see,” Fabrizio said after a moment. Even without looking at him, Ermal could see the uncertain look on his face. It was clear in the way he measured his words. He wanted to ask, but didn’t know if he should. “Should you want…Actually, it’s not my business.”

“I know it’s strange.”

His colleagues at Grande Rumore radio station had thought it was strange too. They didn’t understand why he wanted more time off work when he already had two weeks booked for a honeymoon, so he was going to have to look for another job when he got home. That was yet another thing to look forward to.

“She just doesn’t like this kind of thing. Our honeymoon is going to be in Thailand and we’re going to some big five-star place with staff and lemon-scented towels, the whole luxurious shebang. I figured I’d enjoy the simple pleasures of squat loos while I could.”

“And she doesn’t mind?”

“No…I don’t think she understands, but she doesn’t mind. Have you…?” Ermal glanced up, cutting off as he realised that his question was equally inappropriate.

“Gotten married?” Fabrizio guessed, and shook his head. “No, and I don’t ever want to.”

“Do you have a…someone at home?”

He gave a slight, sad smile. “I’m still waiting for the man or woman who’s willing to trek through the Amazon one month and scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef the next. It doesn’t seem to be a lifestyle that most people enjoy for very long.”

“How long have you been working as a travel writer?” Ermal asked, taking another mouthful of delicious cheese.

“Ten years. I worked in an office before that and one day I decided to quit and walk out into the world.”

“Wow.” Ermal stared at him, struck dumb. “That’s pretty admirable.”

They were such inadequate words to convey his feelings about the heroic picture in his mind, of this man in a crisp white shirt and tie, staring at a computer screen before abruptly standing and yanking his tie away. He would ruffle his neatly combed hair into the bird’s nest it now was, rip apart the restraining top buttons of his shirt, and stride into the fresh air without looking back at the eyes that followed his progress. The angry narrowed eyes of red-faced bosses and the glassy eyes of his fellow workers, numbed by monotony, but with enough life left for a gleam of envy.

That was probably not how it happened and Ermal was aware that he was likely romanticising it to a ridiculous extent, but he longed to have that same level of devil-may-care courage.

“What about you?” Fabrizio asked, bringing him back to the present. Ermal stared at him, so lost in his imagination that he’d completely forgotten what they were talking about. “Do you have a job?” Fabrizio helpfully added.

“I worked at a radio station. I love music. I always wanted to be a songwriter or something, but getting to listen to music all day is the next best thing.”

“Where do you work now?”

He had hoped he’d get away with that past tense. “Oh, nowhere at the moment,” he replied casually. “They wouldn’t let me take more holiday time after the wedding and honeymoon, so I had to quit to come here. I know it’s stupid…”

“It means that much to you, huh?”

A piercing whistle sounded from the platform, making them both sit up straight. The train rattled and then started to roll forward. They were on their way.


	2. Yangshuo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One short sleep past and Ermal finds himself with a new companion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy and please let me know via a comment or kudos if you do. Thank you very much :)

As night fell, Ermal climbed onto his top bunk, carefully arranging his shoes at the end for a handy weapon in case Fabrizio tried to climb up or rob him. He was fairly sure he wasn’t that kind of person, but a lone traveller could never be too careful.

“Goodnight” Fabrizio said genially, pulling his T-shirt over his head. He had his back to Ermal so he could see the enormous tattoo of Jesus on his shoulder, as well as the numerous others on his arms. He wondered where he’d got them done, if they’d hurt, and for a reason he couldn’t fathom, he wondered what it would be like to trace them with his finger. And then Fabrizio turned around and smiled at him, and Ermal swiftly lay down and stared at the ceiling. He waited until the compartment was completely dark and he could hear bear-like snores from the other bunk, and then sat up and lifted the net curtain over the window.

The scene was stunningly beautiful. Paddy fields stretched to the mountains on the horizon, dirt tracks cutting in between. The sky was an inky black and decorated by a million stars as bright as diamonds, and to join the dazzling lights in the sky, there was the warm orange glow of fireflies floating past. Ermal heaved a shaky breath and thought he could cry looking at this. He felt weary from travelling, but he didn’t want to go to sleep and risk missing a second of this show.

Another loud snore made him look away from the window, the compartment seeming very cramped and dark after the photographically lit panorama outside. Fabrizio’s silhouette could be seen rolling over in the bunk, his arm thrown over the wooden beam and the thin blanket bunched up beside him rather than covering him. It was true that the night was warm and the train had no air conditioning, but Ermal still kept the blanket over his legs. He dug in his backpack for his phone and held it under the net curtain before unlocking the screen, hoping to dim the light so he wouldn’t disturb Fabrizio. He snapped a photo, but it captured nothing except the reflection of the flash. Anyway, the beauty of his view couldn’t be caught on a phone. He should have bought a real photographer’s camera, but everyone in his life had warned him off taking valuables. He hadn’t even brought any jewellery.

He replaced the phone and lay down, feeling the springs dig into his back through the thin mattress. Elena would hate this. His fiancée needed comfort and luxury on all of her trips, and he didn’t begrudge that. It was the way she was and there was something nice about the trimmings, but he wished it went both ways. On the one occasion he’d tried to take her camping, she’d complained the whole time. Then again, it hadn’t all been her fault. He’d had bad luck. The winds had been stronger than he’d anticipated and the tent had blown away so they’d ended up sleeping in the car. Nevertheless, even before that had happened, she’d clearly been unhappy with his surprise.

She’d sent him an email earlier today. The caterers were asking if they wanted rhubarb or berry compote for the reception, and he hadn’t known how to respond. He didn’t even know what compote was. His answer had been berry simply because it sounded sweeter, and now he would have to wait and see whether he’d chosen correctly. These wedding preparations seemed to have taken over his life. It was a never-ending list of transport and food and clothes and entertainment and alcohol, and he felt like he was being buried underneath all of it.

He wouldn’t be cruel enough to say that he wanted to escape, but he wanted a chance to breathe and remind himself that he still existed. There were times when he felt like he was getting smaller and smaller, and soon there would be nothing left. Lying there in a hard bunk on a Chinese train, he was suddenly struck by how large the world was and how insignificant he was in comparison. He’d seen and done hardly anything, and now he was rapidly running out of time to change that. He was closer to forty than thirty, and his greatest achievements were getting a job and getting engaged. He had no stories to tell like Fabrizio did.

They’d talked about Fabrizio, and only Fabrizio, for what felt like hours before tiredness claimed them. He never ran out of stories and sometimes he stopped self-consciously, saying he normally bored people and not many were willing to listen to him for so long, but Ermal never grew weary. Fabrizio told him about his first job as a cook in a hostel in Singapore, about meeting a girl at the Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans and spending a year with her in New York, about bungee jumping in New Zealand and attending the Christmas market in Munich. Through the other man, Ermal had a chance to live all of the adventures he would never have.

From now on, all of his holidays would take place inside luxurious compounds where everyone was a tourist or a staff member, or else within Italy itself. He’d already holidayed in his own country five times since meeting Elena and, to be honest, he was starting to get fed-up of it. He’d really campaigned to make her agree to somewhere as far-flung as Thailand for their honeymoon, and he suspected that they wouldn’t see much of the country. She didn’t like loud noises or crowds, or foreign food, or foreign languages. Ermal tried not to linger too much over the image of a gilded cage.

*

The train jolted as it pulled into the station, waking him up. His skull ached a little from lying at a funny angle all night and he peered around in confusion. The sun was casting its first weak rays outside and yet the platform next to Ermal’s window was already swarming with people. He yawned widely, sat up and rubbed his eyes, removing his hands in time to see Fabrizio standing up and stretching. He still hadn’t put a shirt on and Ermal got a good eyeful of the artwork tattooed on his skin. He didn’t even like tattoos and yet…Well, actually he didn’t mind tattoos as long as they were good-looking or meaningful. Elena hated them. She hated piercings too. She was always going on at him about getting rid of the one in his eyebrow, saying he was getting too old to keep clinging onto his distant twenties. He ought to take a picture of Fabrizio, with his permission of course, to send to her as proof that men older than him were still proudly displaying body art.

The desire to rebel or score points against his fiancée probably wasn’t a good impulse, he thought ruefully, but then it was early in the morning and he was notoriously fractious when he woke up.

“Good morning” Fabrizio said, shooting a smile brighter than the morning sun, and then turned to pack his bag.

“Morning” Ermal replied. He slipped down the ladder and attempted to reach his own, realising too late that the space only allowed one man to work at a time.

“I’m nearly done.” Fabrizio zipped up his backpack, threw it over his shoulder and leaned over the bunk to pick up a camera bag wedged against the wall. Ermal gazed at it enviously. Of course he would have only the best equipment for his work. Fabrizio turned and Ermal pressed himself against the bunk ladder to let him lumber past, the backpack hitting his chest despite Fabrizio’s best efforts to manoeuvre, and then he stepped off the train and vanished into the crowd.

Ermal felt strangely bereft. Sure, he’d only met the man last night, but he had been so interesting to listen to and they must have only scratched the surface of all the stories he had to tell. He wondered where Fabrizio’s next stop was, what experiences he was about to have. He was going to be in China for a little while longer, but it was such a vast country that they had no chance of running into each other again. Still, was it wrong that a part of him harboured hope that they might?

He quickly dressed and stuffed yesterday’s clothes into the designated ‘washing’ area of his backpack, looked around to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything, and clambered onto the platform. He was immediately enveloped in a waft of hot, smelly steam from the engines. Conductors were moving along the platform, looking inside to make sure the compartments were empty before they sent cleaners in to ready them for the return journey.

Ermal had taken about three steps when his skin prickled, warning of an approaching presence. He turned sharply and saw Fabrizio coming up behind him. “How long are you staying in Yangshuo?” he asked.

“Only for tonight,” Ermal admitted sadly. It was so cruel for him to get a second chance and lose that too. “I’m leaving again tomorrow.”

“Want to share a hotel to keep the price down?”

It was a terrible idea. Every logical impulse ordered him to say no.

“Alright.”

*

The hotel was a small white building decorated with tourists in mind. As he approached the room, Ermal looked at the thin flowery carpet with distaste. He opened the door and found himself looking at a simple room with red carpet, an antique writing desk and a large queen-sized bed with a striking headboard and rough white bedclothes. He glanced at Fabrizio.

“I’ll go down to reception and ask for a cot.”

“If you want. It’s only for one night” Fabrizio replied carelessly, pulling the suitcase to the far side of the bed and immediately opening the glass doors beside it.

Ermal hesitated. He couldn’t share a bed with a stranger, let alone one who looked like Fabrizio. Even sharing a room was a little strange. Clearly nothing was going on, they were only helping each other keep costs down, but Elena wouldn’t see it like that. How on earth would he explain this to her? He abandoned his suitcase at the door and went into the bathroom. It was small, gleaming white and Western-style. Ermal couldn’t help disliking it. It was too much like any budget hotel at home, or in any country. He wanted to be surrounded by things that were uniquely Chinese, even if that meant sacrificing a sit-down loo or these admittedly helpful shampoo bottles. He was going to steal these. Not everyone had the privilege of being able to look good with messy hair.

He looked at himself in the mirror, taking an inventory of his face. Eyes dark from not sleeping enough last night, skin a bit paler than usual for the same reason, hair looking okay even if it didn’t feel great. He would do.

He stepped back into the room to see Fabrizio sitting on the bed, pulling a towel out of his bag. “Have you seen the view?” he asked. Ermal shook his head and walked around the bed, sticking his head through the glass door. They were on the top floor of the hotel and their room had a balcony, albeit one that looked like it would fall off the building if anyone stepped onto it. He could see the roofs of houses stretching towards verdant green fields and mountains, with plumes of steam billowing from unidentified sources.

“It’s beautiful” he agreed.

“Do you want to visit the hot springs with me?” Fabrizio asked. Ermal turned in surprise. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I have to go. Duty calls.”

Suddenly all thoughts of maintaining boundaries were chased from his head. Nothing seemed worse than the idea of being left behind in this room, alone with all of his thoughts. “No, I’ll come. Give me a second.”

He turned away before he saw the pleased smile on Fabrizio’s face.

*

Ermal stood at the door of the changing huts, his arms wrapped around his chest, looking at the hot springs only a few metres ahead of him. The huts were made for individual bathers so Fabrizio was next door to him, sparing him from having to watch the other man undress, but now he was going to have to go out and let Fabrizio see him in nothing but a pair of shorts. Why was he so nervous about this? His body wasn’t hideous, but then again, he didn’t have the tanned skin and defined muscles that he just knew Fabrizio would. As that thought crossed his mind, the man himself appeared in his peripheral vision.

“Come on.”

Fabrizio took his hand and pulled him out of the doorway. They broke into a run down the wooden walkway, skipping down the steps and barely resisting the urge to cannonball directly into the water like a pair of children. Fabrizio released his hand and went in first, Ermal swiftly following. As soon as he sank into the silky warmth, he closed his eyes and breathed a deep sigh. It was like entering the hottest, most exquisite bath of his life and already he felt more relaxed. The steam in the air made it taste so clean and he floated there happily for several seconds. If Fabrizio hadn’t spoken, he would have spread his arms, lay on his back and drifted away.

“What do you think?”

Ermal opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. The water was totally opaque and encircled by a wooden fence, which afforded privacy from everyone in the other springs and on the wooden walkway. The far side remained open, however, providing a panoramic view of the town and hills beyond. “It’s indescribable,” he said, shaking his head. “Amazing.”

“The water stays at an almost consistent 39 degrees” Fabrizio said. Ermal tore his eyes from the spectacle before him to look at the other man, water lapping over his torso as he floated on his back nearby.

“I’ve never been anywhere like this.”

He’d been to a spa before, but there was a great deal more magic in this place than could be found in a sauna or Jacuzzi. His enthusiasm felt insufficient, but he was such a state of awe that he could do no better.

“I’m glad you approve.” Fabrizio sat up and pushed a hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up on either side like a pair of horns. “Here, follow me.”

With one long stroke, he swam to the other end of the pool and Ermal followed. There was a hollow made of stone at the edge of the water, and it was filled with creamy white goo. He propped himself up on his elbows as Fabrizio reached in and picked up a handful. It oozed through his fingers.

“This stuff is meant to be good for your skin,” he explained. “You put it on like a face pack.”

Ermal smirked. “Go on then.”

Fabrizio laughed. “I meant for you. Beauty treatments aren’t my thing. I’m beyond help.”

Ermal shrugged and scooped up a handful, pretending that he was going to apply it to his face, but at the last second smeared a big blob on Fabrizio’s cheek. “There, you’ll look like Rudolph Valentino by tomorrow.”

He shook his head, suppressing a grin as he wiped it off. “Thank you so much. Here we are in these serene surroundings, and you’re behaving like it’s Splashy World.”

“Ha! Splashy World sounds like my kind of place.”

They rested their backs against the rocks and allowed themselves to float freely, legs stretched out ahead of them, the bubbling water below keeping them afloat. A peaceful silence reigned, broken only by deep relaxed breaths and the distant sounds of nature. Ermal thought he could fall asleep like this, or maybe that was still exhaustion from his disturbed night talking.

“So what would you say has been your favourite job?” he asked without opening his eyes.

“Iceland,” Fabrizio replied at once. “I was sent to get some pictures of the Northern Lights for a magazine.”

He opened his eyes and turned to the other man. “You’re a photographer too?”

“Yes. I even had a TV show once.”

“You’re not serious.”

“It’s true,” Fabrizio turned and smiled amiably, as if he hadn’t said anything exceptional. “It was only one series, but it was a lot of fun. I got to go to Africa and spend six months filming animals in their natural habitat. I don’t think I would stay so long in one place again though. I prefer to keep moving. The photography jobs keep my bank balance in the black and allow me to spend a year on one book. That’s what I love most of all.”

“Amazing,” Ermal whispered, looking away. “I’d love to see the Northern Lights.”

He’d been saving up to go to Norway with Rinald before the proposal. The wedding plans had taken all of that money already.

“Oh, I didn’t see the Northern Lights,” Fabrizio said. “It was a very weak show on the night I went out. On the plus side, I did get to take a snowmobile ride around the Golden Circle.”

“Your life sounds incredible,” Ermal moaned, little caring that he sounded like an envious child. “Tell me more stories.”

Fabrizio chuckled. “Are you sure you want to hear more?”

“I really, really do.”

They stayed in the water for hours as Fabrizio spoke about the noise and bustle of New York, the gruelling heat of the Amazon, the beauty of Australia, riding camels in Egypt and learning to surf in Cornwall.

“What about your story?” he said suddenly. Ermal sat up straight. “What? I don’t have any” he retorted.

“Of course you do. What about your fiancée? How did you meet?”

Ermal gave a slight smile at the memory. “She wanted to learn how to play guitar for a friend’s birthday party and I gave her a few lessons.”

“What made you want to propose?”

“Oh, she proposed to me. We went for a weekend away to Florence and she brought a ring. I thought she was gearing up to ask…” He broke off and laughed. “It sounds stupid, but I thought she was going to ask me to go abroad with her.”

Fabrizio looked down pointedly. “You’re not wearing a ring” he remarked.

“Oh,” Ermal automatically hid his hand. “I didn’t bring it with me. It didn’t seem safe to carry too many valuables.”

Fabrizio gazed at him solemnly, for long enough that Ermal started to feel nervous butterflies dancing in his stomach, before he spoke. “I’ve been to Florence. It’s not one of my favourite places. Too many tourists.”

Ermal exhaled gratefully at the change of subject. “Have you visited many touristy cities?” he queried, which opened the door to tales of Rome and Barcelona.

At last they stepped out of the water and were immediately chilled by the evening air. Ermal ran to the changing hut and wrapped himself in the towel waiting inside. As Fabrizio walked past to the neighbouring hut, his gaze was immediately drawn to the sight of a taut stomach and bronzed arms. In all the time they’d spent together this evening, Ermal hadn’t actually looked at him properly, and now he couldn’t look away. Fabrizio was a vision of physical perfection. Ermal swiftly pushed the door of the hut closed, making a concerted effort not to look at the ripple of muscles in his back, and took a breath to compose himself. It must be something in the water.


	3. Guilin

The next morning, they returned to the station to catch the connecting train to Guilin. Thank goodness he’d chosen to share the room with Fabrizio, Ermal thought, because he’d slept in and would have messed up his plans if not for the other man. It had been surprisingly easy to fall asleep with him, although he could probably credit that to his crushing exhaustion. They’d gone to dinner around the corner from the hotel and all Ermal had cared about was eating the bare minimum so he could go to sleep. He’d gratefully fallen onto his pillow and must have been out for the count in minutes. The next thing he knew was Fabrizio standing above him, already dressed, whispering that he’d slept in and it was time to go. His gentle tone was surprising. Elena would have panicked and shocked him out of bed with her frantic calls. He should really stop comparing Fabrizio to Elena actually. They weren’t on the same level.

“No bunks this time” Fabrizio remarked, lifting his backpack into the overhead compartment and turning to take Ermal’s.

“If there are no delays, we’ll be there for lunchtime” Ermal said, sitting down on the hard wooden seat. By the end of three hours, he was sure its grooves would have left marks in his butt. Fabrizio sat down across from him. “So any plans for Guilin?” he asked.

“Nothing concrete. I’m just going to walk around and see what’s interesting.”

“Me too.”

“Really? Aren’t you getting paid to bring home the good stuff? Surely you must know what you’re looking for.”

Fabrizio laughed and leaned back, smiling out of the window as the train started to move. “The only thing I ever plan is what bus, train or plane I’m getting on. The rest I leave up to fortune.”

Ermal squinted at him. How could anyone live their life like that? The memories of his childhood flashed through his head; the sudden loss of security when they said goodbye to their house, the days spent moving between relatives to stay ahead of his father, the first week after they arrived in Italy and had to rely on strangers for food and money because they had nothing. He would be terrified if he didn’t know where he would sleep tonight or where the next meal would come from. That was one advantage Elena had- she planned. To her, life was a pond crossed with stepping stones and she always knew where the next part of the path was. He would never risk drowning with her.

“You don’t approve?” Fabrizio queried, eyes twinkling. Ermal shook his head quickly and then realised how that looked. “It’s not a matter of approval. I just think it’s a difficult way to live. Hasn’t it ever failed?”

“Oh, it has, but that’s all part of the adventure and it’s taught me to have faith in the universe. So many people are scared to take a risk, but when you take those risks, you start to see that life has a way of working out even if it’s not always in the way you planned. It teaches you to trust your own strength.”

“That’s very inspirational. You should put it on a fortune cookie” Ermal said dryly. Fabrizio burst out laughing, a loud hoarse laugh that filled up the carriage and made a few Chinese travellers glance at him. “It would have to be the biggest fortune cookie ever!” he said.

“A family-sized fortune cookie.”

“A tear-and-share fortune cookie.”

They fell about laughing, trying to outdo each other with the most ridiculous ideas, not caring that they were looked at as the two biggest idiots on the whole train.

*

The hotel in Guilin was much more what Ermal was expecting, a hostel with three rooms and three bunks crammed into each. There was hardly room to move. When the owner showed them to their accommodation, Fabrizio’s backpack got stuck between two bedframes. The pillowcases were stained and there were some webs in the corner. When Ermal lifted his feet, the carpet was reluctant to let him go. Elena wouldn’t have stayed here. She would have turned around at the door as soon as she saw how cramped the room was, and it was true that it was the dirtiest room that Ermal had ever seen, but it was also a new experience.

“Do you want top or bottom?” Fabrizio asked.

“Top.”

“Brilliant,” He dumped his bag on the bottom bunk, took out his camera and put the strap around his neck. “I’m going to find a place to eat. Are you coming?”

“Absolutely.”

Their nearest eating establishment wasn’t far away. Directly across the street from the hotel was a street vendor. “Back on the noodle diet” Fabrizio said cheerfully as he read the menu board. Ermal didn’t feel hungry enough for meat in this humid weather, so he was indeed back on noodles, ordering some chow mein. Fabrizio had Kung pao chicken and they ate standing next to a tall table, a group of elderly Chinese ladies next to them. The women kept glancing over at them and finally one spoke. The men looked at them, at each other, and shook their heads to indicate they didn’t understand. She didn’t give up, breaking off to rapidly converse with her friends, and then slowing down to attempt communication with them again.

Through a series of hand gestures, it was half-understood that she was asking where they came from, and Ermal was able to answer that. She responded with a remark about Italy and then began a new sentence. After three attempts and some miming, Ermal understood ‘tai chi’. He explained to Fabrizio and the other man quickly nodded, struggling to chew his chicken fast enough to speak. And so the date was made.

The ladies brought them to a nearby park, introducing them to a few elderly gentlemen who were either playing mah-jong or joining with the class. Ermal participated initially until he realised it was much more fun to stand at the side and watch Fabrizio. The other man was endearingly sincere, towering over these bird-like women, and there was something so amusing and yet heartwarming about watching his comparatively large body form these elegant poses. Ermal had never felt so much affection towards someone who wasn’t a family member or lover. After five minutes, the ladies took a break and he stepped forward.

“Listen, I should really check in with Elena while we’re here and I see an Internet café over there, so will I meet you back at the hotel?”

Fabrizio paused and then shook his head. “If I’m not here, I’ll be at the bar over there. I’ll save you a drink.”

Ermal smiled and patted his arm. “Happy tai chi” he said, and quickly walked away before he could embarrass himself any further. Happy tai chi? What was that? And he’d just touched his arm! A very nice arm it was too, very soft skin and hard with muscle underneath, but that wasn’t the point! Boundaries, Ermal!

He logged onto a free booth and opened his emails. Sure enough, there was a further correspondence from Elena, entitled ‘Cars’.

_Dear Ermal,_  
_I’ve sorted out the caterers, but now the car company are asking how many Rolls Royces we want. I think two for me and the bridal party are fair enough, but it’s a matter of whether we want some for the rest of the guests. Additionally, as well as the rock band you want for the reception, I think we should have a choir for the church. It would really add to the atmosphere. And what drinks do you want for the reception? I’m thinking of ordering a mixed crate of wine, but do you want champagne as well? Let me know ASAP._  
_Elena._

Ermal read the email and blew out a long breath. Had her correspondences always been so…businesslike? Yes, actually, they probably had. Why was it bothering him now? Elena thrived on organisation, of course she would…But really, after your groom-to-be had been across the world for a fortnight, surely an ‘I love you’ wouldn’t go amiss. He wondered if she missed him. To be fair, although she popped into his mind constantly, he wasn’t sure if he actually missed her. He was starting to feel a strange reluctance to go home. He sighed again and shook his head, putting his fingers on the keyboard.

_Dear Elena,  
I thought your uncle was driving you to the church, but if he can’t do it anymore, hire the cars you think you need. A choir at the church sounds good. You’re right, it would be lovely to have some music there. As for the drinks, I don’t really care._

He stopped and then deleted that.

_As for the drinks, champagne gives me a headache so I’m fine with wine. Is champagne something the guests want?_

He bit his lip, staring at the screen, and then in a fit of guilt added: ‘Love you, Ermal.’ He pressed Send quickly and sat back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his neck. After a few moments, he sat up and started a new email.

_Hi,_  
_I’m halfway through the trip and I’ve just reached Guilin. Everything is going well, except I’ll never be able to eat noodles again. How is everything at home? I can’t wait to see Miria in her little dress. Has the fitting happened yet? I really miss you guys, but it won't be long before I'm home. I really hope nothing goes wrong in terms of delays again. Now I understand why so many people come to this part of the world and stay forever- they can’t face the journey back. Ha ha! The plan now is to go to the Great Wall via Chengdu and Xi’an, and finally Beijing before I head back. I’ll check in next time I have Internet. Love you!_  
_Ermal._

He sent the email to his mother, knowing she’d pass it on to his brother and sister, and then logged off. As he stepped back onto the street, the first thing he saw was Fabrizio sitting outside the bar only three doors down, lounging in his chair with a cigarette in his mouth. Ermal hid in the shadow of the awning and watched him for a few seconds. He looked so relaxed and carefree. What would it be like to live like that, a free spirit, dependant on no-one?

Fabrizio raised a hand as Ermal approached and sat down across from him. “What can I get you to drink?” he asked.

“Green tea,” Ermal requested. “And some vodka.”

Fabrizio waved at a waiter and pointed to the relevant points on the menu, and then sat back in the chair. “You look stressed.”

“Lots of organisation to be done. We’ve just arranged the wedding cars.”

“Do you smoke?” Fabrizio asked, offering the cigarette.

“I used to. Elena doesn’t like smoking.”

She didn’t like drinking either. He could imagine how scandalised she would be if she saw him now, puffing on a cigarette and ordering vodka in the middle of the day.

“Try it. It will relax you.”

Ermal carefully took a drag and then choked. “Do you know what this is?” he demanded.

Fabrizio smiled lazily and Ermal shook his head. “Of course you do,” he muttered, taking another drag. “You know, I could go to prison for twenty years.”

“Isn’t that where you’re going anyway?”

The waiter returned and Ermal hid the cigarette under the table, smiling as a cup of steaming tea and a tall glass bottle were placed in front of him. He took a sip of tea first, feeling the warmth spread through his body, immediately ruining the delicate taste with the vodka as he chased it down.

“For someone about to get married, you don’t seem very excited” Fabrizio said.

“No time to be excited,” Ermal replied briskly. “Everything has to be ready. Once I’m standing at the altar, I can be excited.”

“Once you’re standing at the altar, it’ll be too late” Fabrizio muttered. Ermal slowly turned his head to stare at him. “I get the sense you don’t want me to get married.”

“It’s none of my business,” he said, shrugging while gazing into his tea. “I just think it’s strange that you talk about your marriage as the cut-off point for all your hopes and dreams.”

“I do not!” Ermal snapped. “Sure, I’ve always wanted to travel more extensively than I have and maybe being around you throws that into sharp relief, but there are plenty of things I’m looking forward to.”

“Like what?”

“Sharing my life with someone.”

Fabrizio continued to look at him expectantly, but Ermal’s mind was blank. That was all there was to it. He wanted to settle down in a secure, loving relationship. What other point did marriage have?

“You can do that without getting married, you know” Fabrizio said at last.

“I know. It’s just an extra sign of commitment.”

“It’s a piece of jewellery and a piece of paper that lock you into a relationship you might not want to stay in for the rest of your life.”

“You’re very cynical,” Ermal remarked. “It’s a sign that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and alright, it makes it a little more difficult for us to split, but why would we want to? Our lifestyle depends on two incomes coming into the house.”

“And I’m the cynic?” Fabrizio smiled widely and he had no right, absolutely no right, to look so gorgeous. That smile was a honey trap, that’s what it was. Ermal was sure that he must go around charming everyone he encountered in every country, and if anyone hesitated on the edge of being crazy about him instead of diving straight in, he unleashed that smile and they were lost.

“You’re annoying. That’s what you are” he muttered irritably.

Fabrizio chuckled and grabbed the vodka bottle. “Where’s our next stop?”

“What makes you think I want to spend more time with you?”

He shrugged and necked the bottle, gulping appreciatively. “I thought you’d want to keep sharing and have a larger stash of spending money for Thailand” he replied upon coming up for air, and casually wiped the corner of his mouth in a move that Ermal sorely wished he didn’t find so appealing. He looked across the table at this man and suddenly felt very afraid for himself.

“I want to visit the panda sanctuary in Chengdu” he admitted.

“I know a place we can stay nearby” Fabrizio said.

“You do? Okay, that’s pretty good. Is it near a railway station because…” He broke off as Fabrizio shook his head, smirking.

“I know a place on the mountain,” he said. “I think you’ll like it.”

Ermal frowned curiously, realising in that moment that he was going to be stuck with Fabrizio for at least a few more days. He found that he minded less than he should.


	4. Chengdu

Fabrizio’s choice of accommodation was a monastery. The path up to the spectacular red building was so steep that they had to hold hands, pulling each other forward when necessary, and three sets of grey steps offered a final challenge before they reached a large courtyard. Monks in robes of red, orange and yellow could be seen walking around in small groups or sitting cross-legged in meditation. As they crossed the open space, one of the monks came towards them.

“Welcome” he said in English.

“Room for two nights?” Fabrizio requested, holding up his fingers.

“Of course,” the monk smiled kindly and turned, gesturing for them to follow. “This way.”

He brought them through a stunning entrance hall, decorated with red and gold lights on both walls, the sun casting rays through a field of lanterns on the ceiling and a huge well in the middle of the room. A small set of stairs brought them past altars and prayer rooms, into the most unbelievably luxurious hall Ermal had ever seen. The floor was polished to a mirrored sheen with murals of flowers at regular intervals. Bright red columns were wrapped with the bodies of golden dragons. At the far end was a set of sliding doors, and their monk pulled these open to reveal yet another room.

This one was noticeably small and decorated entirely in smoothly varnished wood. On either side, there was a small trench with a step leading down to a mattress and pillow. At the back of the room was a gate leading to an altar and a bell, Chinese characters hung on orange boards from the ceiling above them.

“This is your room,” the monk said, his face breaking into a smile when he looked at Ermal. “You approve?”

“Yes!” he blurted out. “Thank you, thank you so much!”

The man bowed and withdrew, closing the doors behind him. Ermal waited one, two, three seconds before spinning to face Fabrizio.

“Aaah, look at this!” he enthused. “I’m sorry, I know I’m getting too excited over a mattress, but this is what I’ve been looking for all along. I’ve stayed in so many hotels where I could be anywhere in the world, but this? This is China.”

“It certainly is” Fabrizio agreed, smiling at him as he walked over to one of the beds.

“So I guess you’ve been here before?” Ermal asked.

“Only once, and that was a long time ago. I stayed for a week and made a photographic exhibition about it. The monks were very hospitable to me.”

Ermal nodded, looking around the room in awe, and then let out another loud gasp at the sight of a garden. Stone walkways laced their way through, surrounding a fountain carved in the shape of a dragon. Trickling water and the mountain breeze added to the serene atmosphere.

“I take it you’re in love” Fabrizio remarked.

“Completely” he agreed.

“Wait until you’ve seen the bathroom.”

“Why? Is there something special about it?”

“We’re sharing it with the other guests. Wear slippers when you take a shower.”

“Oh, okay,” He should have expected that. Oh well, yet another new experience. “Where is it?”

“As far as I remember, end of the corridor on the right.”

Ermal wandered off, taking two wrong turns and receiving contradictory directions from three monks before he found the bathroom, a mere ten feet from the last monk he sought assistance from. It wasn’t too bad, albeit there was only one shower in there so the advised slippers were a must.

He returned to the room to find Fabrizio sitting cross-legged on his mattress, his laptop on his knees. “So what’s the plan for today?”

Fabrizio looked up sheepishly. “Today I am enjoying the surroundings and planning my next step” he admitted.

“Oh, and I thought you didn’t plan” Ermal teased.

“I don’t. I still have to book my transport.”

Ermal moved to sit beside him, shaking his head at the laptop. “I can’t believe you get Internet up here. It seems there really isn’t any part of the world that remains untouched by progress these days.”

“True, and I’m sure I should feel sadder about that, but it’s so convenient.”

“Where are you going next?”

“Australia.”

“Wow,” Ermal said quietly. “I’ve never been. What parts are you going to?”

“I was thinking of starting in New South Wales and heading to Queensland via the small towns. Not the most adventurous route, I know, but there are some interesting sights in that area once you move away from the cities. For example, this place has a festival dedicated to the humble cooking pot around this time of year.”

Ermal didn’t know what face he pulled, but Fabrizio laughed. “I know, but there’s sure to be great food there,” he remarked. “There’s an archaeological site around here, not to mention the farms. I hope someone will put me up there for a night or two. I’d love to herd sheep with a motorbike. How much fun would that be?”

“A lot of fun” Ermal agreed.

“I could camp under the stars. Oh, and there’s the kangaroo sanctuary.”

“A kangaroo sanctuary?” Ermal echoed, his mind immediately filled with images of adorable joeys.

Fabrizio grinned brightly. “You’re a sucker for cute animals, are you?”

Ermal ducked his head and shrugged. He was surprised, but not displeased, to feel a hand run casually through his hair. There was an art to stroking his hair that not many people could master. Everyone was fascinated by the curls and seemingly powerless to stop themselves grasping like curious babies, but nine out of ten times, they’d get their fingers tangled and bring tears to his eyes. He now recoiled when he saw the hands coming, but he was secretly pleased that he hadn’t noticed Fabrizio because he somehow knew exactly how to ruffle them without causing pain. Actually, Ermal wouldn’t mind if he wanted to do it once more.

“I can’t wait to see your reaction with the pandas tomorrow” Fabrizio said.

“Are you coming?” Ermal asked, sitting up straight and pulling out of Fabrizio’s reach. The other man looked back at his laptop, chuckling nervously and scratching his head with a pen.

“I should have mentioned that,” he said quietly. “A magazine has commissioned me to get some photos for a ‘Day in the Life’ article they’re writing on the panda sanctuary. Would it be okay if I came along?”

Ermal looked at him nervously. “I suppose not. Do you happen to have any jobs involving the Great Wall and the Terracotta Warriors too?”

“No, I don’t have to come to those if you don’t want me there. You know, I can go to Chengdu while you’re in Xi’an if you prefer…”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t come,” Ermal interrupted. “I just want you to be aware that I’ll be there for the whole afternoon and once you’ve got your photos, it’ll probably be boring. And by the way, I will be very restrained with the pandas.”

Fabrizio chuckled and affectionately put a hand on the side of Ermal’s head, before turning back to his computer. Ermal watched over his shoulder as he moved between windows, comparing flight prices and figuring out his route with the help of Google Maps directions, noting things down in his little book. He wondered what would happen when Fabrizio got to Australia. Would he find someone else to replace Ermal as a companion, someone less uptight and duty-bound? The thought filled him with illogical pain.

**

Chengdu was a study in contrasts. It was such a large metropolitan city, similar to Hong Kong in its looks, but a mere forty minute drive was all that was required to find an oasis of verdant trees, jade green water and traditional red buildings. The panda sanctuary wasn't difficult to find, thanks to the enormous golden sign bearing an artistic rendering of the animals within. Ermal clapped delightedly as the taxi turned towards it.

They were greeted inside by a man in a white coat, who introduced himself in English as Liao Wen, one of the people in charge of the breeding programme. He was used to journalists visiting to document their work, he added. Ermal didn't disillusion him. He suspected that without Fabrizio to add credence to the story, he wouldn't have been treated to the full tour of the facility.

Their first stop was an enclosure containing one panda, relaxing against a tree and leisurely chewing bamboo. “This is Kai, our male. He has fathered seven children since he's been with us,” their guide said proudly. “Since pandas breed at such a slow rate, this truly is a great achievement. We're very pleased with him.”

They moved along the path, Fabrizio walking blind as he scribbled in his notebook, until arriving at another enclosure. This one contained an adult panda and a cub, wrapped in her arms. Ermal cooed at the sight before remembering his resolution to be stoic and unimpressed.

“This is our current female, Mei, and her cub Lin,” Wen explained. “Once she's older, she'll be sent to join a zoo and begin a breeding programme of her own. Since we use fertility drugs to increase the chances of conception, our pandas are more likely to give birth to twins, which means a lot of spare cubs who need assistance. Shall we see the nursery next?”

The nursery was the size of a large shed, lined with incubators with a door leading to a private garden. A staff member was outside, sweeping the ground, besieged by fat panda cubs. Ermal immediately forgot to play it cool and smiled so hard that his cheeks hurt. Inside each incubator were even younger cubs, helpless pink rodents with eyes squeezed shut, kept alive by heat lamps. Ermal's heart bled for them.

“Are these the twins?” he asked.

“Yes,” Wen nodded. “Pandas only have one cub in the wild so they aren't equipped to care for two. Their mothers rejected them and they would have died without our intervention.”

“That's awful. I'm so glad you're here” Ermal said.

Wen smiled sadly. “It is a terrible waste. Considering how slowly the panda population is recovering, I can't bear the thought of a precious cub being lost unnecessarily. I'd put them all into a breeding programme,” he admitted self-consciously. “But that would defeat the purpose.”

A bell rang and he turned towards the play area door. “Oh, it's time to feed the cubs if you'd like to observe.”

“I'd love to” Ermal said eagerly.

“Follow me.”

As soon as they stepped outside, the cubs crowded around, trying to climb up Ermal's trousers. He laughed, attempting to break free before realising there was no way to move without stepping on a baby, and accepted that he was inescapably trapped in the pit of cuteness.

“Would you like to take a bottle?” Wen offered.

“Can I?” he asked, trying and failing to hide his hopefulness.

“Of course. Take Jia,” he said, bending to scoop up one of the cubs. She was smaller than the others, furry and compact and solid and utterly adorable. “She's well used to being handled and she loves cuddles.”

Ermal received a bottle in one hand and a baby panda in the other, one whose paws immediately latched onto his shoulder as if giving a hug, and felt his brain melt into the gooey mess that only his niece was normally capable of achieving.

“Hello darling,” he murmured, rubbing his hand over her back. “Oh, aren't you precious? Are you hungry? Can I give you a bottle?”

The answer was a resounding yes, by Jia's enthusiasm upon sight of her milk. Ermal settled her in the crook of his arm like a baby, her paw on his hand as she sucked at the teat of the bottle.

“Can I take a photo?” Fabrizio asked. He already had his camera lifted.

“Sure, if you want,” Ermal smiled. “What's the name of the magazine so I can tell my mother to buy a copy?”

“Geografia del Mondo,” Fabrizio said, snapping away. “They might not even use it, but I hope they will. I can email the shots to you if you want.”

“Let me see them now so I know if they're good enough to be published” Ermal insisted. Fabrizio chuckled and turned his camera to display the screen. Ermal carefully flicked through the five shots he'd taken, and chose the second and fourth ones.

“They're all good,” Fabrizio remarked. “You just don't see yourself as the rest of the world does.”

“Is that more fortune cookie stuff?” Ermal asked suspiciously.

“No,” the other man laughed. “I just mean that a mirror doesn't show what your face actually looks like so you're not used to it. Other people will always find you more attractive than you find yourself.”

Ermal narrowed his eyes. “That still sounds too much like a pearl of wisdom for me. Is there anything you don't have a pithy answer for?”

“Plenty of things” Fabrizio replied, smiling shyly. He looked so sweet and if Ermal's arms weren't full, he might have been tempted to hug him. If it wasn't so inappropriate, he might even have gone further and kissed his cheek, and told him to stop looking so insecure because he was amazing and didn't he know that? He didn't know why he was feeling this way. Something about Fabrizio just made his heart ache with a useless longing. He turned away and returned his attention to little Jia, who had now finished her bottle and was lifting her paws for more cuddles. Ermal was only too happy to oblige.

“I think I'll go and get some more photos,” Fabrizio announced. “And could I ask you some more questions about the way this place works?”

“Of course. We'll return in five minutes” Wen said, speaking to Ermal. He bit his lip to avoid telling them to take their time. He was in no hurry to leave his new friend yet.

Jia didn't seem eager to leave him either. The other cubs were returning to play, but she wasn't attempting to get down and so he kept holding onto her. He idly wandered back into the nursery and took a seat on the stool next to an incubator, trying not to think too hard about what he was doing. Apparently the price for security and control was to experience everything in life vicariously. He wondered if it was really worth it.

“Alright, I'm finished” Fabrizio said, coming back in through the main door. Ermal felt a flash of panic at the sight of him. That hadn’t felt like five minutes. “Are we leaving?” he asked.

“Do you want to?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay,” Fabrizio shrugged easily. “We'll leave when you want. They have a cafe here for lunch so there's no rush.”

Ermal breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed. “What are you doing?” he asked Jia, noticing that she had a piece of his T-shirt in her mouth and was chewing ponderously as if it was bamboo. “You can’t do that. I love this shirt.”

He attempted to gently pull the fabric out, but she kept latching on again and he had to laugh. “Shall I call one of the staff to help?” Fabrizio asked. Ermal shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said. “They’ll take her away when we’re leaving anyway.”

Fabrizio walked around his stool, glancing into the incubators, and then leaned against the wall facing him. “Ermal, can I ask you something, and tell me the truth?”

Ermal looked up at him, surprised by the solemnity and nervousness in his voice. “Yeah?”

“Do you have kids?”

Ermal burst out laughing. Jia squirmed in his arms, disturbed by the noise, and he fought to stop only for that reason. “Do you really think I’ve left five kids behind while I run around China?” he asked, too amused to be insulted.

Fabrizio blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, and Ermal noted with interest how his freckles stood out against the pink and how much he liked that view.

“Well, maybe not five…” Fabrizio muttered.

“What?”

The other man smiled, a teasing smirk instead of the usual gentle beam, and Ermal grinned back. “No, I don’t have children,” he answered. “Why, do you?”

Fabrizio chuckled and shook his head. “No, at least none that I know of. That was a joke,” he added quickly, noticing the surprise that must have passed across Ermal’s face. “I don’t think I could have this lifestyle with kids.”

“But it won’t last forever, right?” Ermal remarked, adjusting his hold on the cub and gently rocking her back and forth. “Do you think you’ll want them when you retire?”

“I plan to retire when I’m ninety and physically unable to leave my armchair,” Fabrizio retorted. He glanced down, suddenly very interested in the line of pink newborns. “Do you want kids?”

Ermal hummed thoughtfully, smiling down at Jia as she looked at him, and regretfully shook his head. “I do and I don’t. I have a little niece and I love being an uncle, but being a father is something different. I’d be afraid of messing up.”

“Nobody knows if they’ll be a good parent until they are one” Fabrizio said.

“Yeah, and if it turns out that you aren’t, what are you going to do? There’s no return policy on babies.”

Fabrizio shrugged. “My mother said that you learn to be a good parent. It’s not something you are. It’s something you do.”

“Sometimes it’s not always that simple” Ermal muttered.

“Does Elena want kids?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Isn’t that something you should discuss?”

Ermal’s first instinct was to respond with a resounding “No” and close the discussion, but he paused and thought about it. The answer that came to mind was one he’d never considered before. No-one had ever pushed him on this topic. It was common knowledge within his family and social circle that kids weren’t in his future and that was the end of it, but Fabrizio was right. It was something that couples tended to explicitly discuss.

“It would be a dealbreaker if she did,” he admitted. “It would mean the end of our relationship.”

“So you’d rather not find out?” Fabrizio asked. Ermal was grateful that he sounded sympathetic. He lifted his head and looked rueful. “Does that make me a coward?”

Fabrizio looked at him for a moment, one eyebrow creeping upwards. “It means you could find yourself in trouble further down the line.”

“I don’t think so. She knows why I feel the way I do.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t owe you an explanation” Ermal retorted.

“Of course not,” Fabrizio said, but Ermal was already turning away. He carefully put Jia back outside with her friends and headed for the door, when Fabrizio grabbed his hand. “I wasn’t…”

Ermal shook him off and he moved back as if he’d been burned. “I wasn’t fishing for anything, really. I’m sorry if I offended you.”

Fabrizio’s eyes were downcast and sad. They were a strange contrast to the rest of him, this well-built tattooed man with eyes like a child. Ermal thought that puppyish look must have got him out of trouble many times before, but he couldn’t help thinking that his concern was sincere.

“That coat makes you look ready to fish for something” he remarked. Fabrizio looked at him, confused, and Ermal gave a small smile. The other man’s eyes brightened with relief and he cautiously smiled back.


	5. The Middle of Nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cloak of darkness allows for greater honesty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter so I hope you will too. Thank you UselessAnimal for your comment and kind words on the last chapter :)

That night's dinner was held in one of the villages overlooked by the monastery. The proprietor of the small restaurant seemed delighted by their presence and kept bringing out dishes for them to try. Ermal had never tasted such juicy, crunchy vegetables and he advertised this fact with joy. The cook nodded happily and began to make more food.

Their small table was at the side of the restaurant, illuminated by a gentle glow from the kitchen and the single candle under a glass sheath between them. The only other diners were a group of Chinese men gathered around a table further from the building, and therefore concealed in total darkness. Only the sound of tiles being slapped against wood and triumphant shouts gave away their presence.

“Mah-jong?” Ermal guessed, nodding into the shadows.

“Perhaps” Fabrizio said.

“Have you ever played?”

“No.”

Ermal looked up, a spring roll still protruding from his mouth, which he quickly swallowed. “I have” he admitted, unreasonably excited to have done something that the great globetrotter hadn't.

Fabrizio nodded and took a sip from his ceramic cup. “Is it fun?” he asked.

“Well...” Ermal chuckled. “I think it could be fun if you understood the rules. I was just confused. And I lost a bit of money in the end.”

Fabrizio folded his arms on top of the table and stared into the trees, releasing a sigh. Ermal didn't know what was wrong with him, but he'd been sullen ever since the panda sanctuary and it seemed like he was annoyed by everything Ermal said. He wanted to be angry at receiving the cold shoulder when he'd had every right to stand up for himself, but in truth, he was worried.

“If there's something wrong, would you tell me?” he blurted out nervously.

Fabrizio looked at him as if it took an effort to turn his head. “Like what?” he asked.

“I just...I'm worried that I offended you earlier and I really didn't mean to.”

Fabrizio sighed again. “You didn't offend me” he said, picking up his cup and gazing into its depths without attempting to drink.

“Okay,” Ermal waited to feel relief, but there was only confusion. “You can talk to me if something's bothering you.”

Fabrizio looked at him and leaned forward. His arms unfolded and one reached across the table, the hand gently slipping over Ermal's and coming to rest there.

“I enjoy travelling with you.”

Ermal was watching their hands, how dark Fabrizio's skin was compared to his, the veins on it and the tattoo of the black sun which he'd decided was his favourite...The ongoing silence made him look up and meet Fabrizio's eye. The other man was looking at him as if searching for something in his face.

“I enjoy travelling with you too” he replied.

“And I don’t want to say goodbye in Beijing,” Fabrizio added. “I want to ask if you’ll come to Australia with me.”

Ermal looked back at him, his mind strangely blank of any thoughts. It felt like the moments before he fell asleep when he knew there were thoughts he wanted to have, but he couldn't formulate them. There was a whole world full of people out there, but they seemed very far removed from this place. A table at a deserted restaurant in a nameless place in China was a bubble that contained two people and one moment. Nothing else existed.

“I’m very flattered, but…I’m getting married so...”

He wished he hadn’t said anything when he saw the flash of hurt in Fabrizio’s eyes. “I know you’re getting married,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t dream of making a move or anything.”

“Good.”

Wait, no, not good. Was it good? His mind was a jumble of thoughts and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say or do. He couldn’t deny that something had jumped when he heard those words, but maybe that was just surprise. It was certainly very surprising that a ridiculously good-looking and kind-hearted man had claimed to enjoy his company enough to keep him around, and flattering, but he couldn’t possibly go. He was getting married.

He didn’t like the realisation that he was being held back by duty and morals. He was tempted, sorely tempted.

Why did he want to say yes?

He knew the answer to that, but he wasn’t going to consider it anymore. He dropped the rest of his spring rolls back on the plate and sat back, pulling his hand out of Fabrizio’s grip.

“I’m going back to the monastery now.”

They left together, collaboratively insisting to the cook that they had finished their meal, and Ermal still felt as if he was inside a bubble as he made his way along the path. Fabrizio put an arm around his back as they walked, but now he was outside the cocoon with everyone else in the world. It had been a long time since Ermal felt so alone. They separated as the monastery came into view and then Ermal found himself back in their room, with no memory of actually walking through the building.

He dared to look at Fabrizio, but the other man had his back to him and was resolutely silent. He walked down the step to his mattress and knelt down, hidden from view, before undressing. Ermal did the same. He lay down on his back, grimacing as he attempted to move the pillow into a position that didn't strain his shoulder. He rolled over to one side. Now he was pressing down on the shoulder. He rolled to the other side. It felt strained again. He sat up and sighed into the darkness, and then stood and made his way carefully across the room.

“Don’t read anything into this because I really can’t,” he warned, looking down at Fabrizio. “But can I stay with you for a while?”

Fabrizio looked at him upside-down and wordlessly shifted aside to make room on the mattress. Ermal managed to squeeze into the space he was left, placing his head on the corner of pillow available, and sighed again.

“What are you thinking about?” Fabrizio asked.

“My head is just white noise. What do you think I'm thinking about?” he retorted.

The mattress shifted under him. “I have no idea” Fabrizio said.

Ermal continued to stare at the ceiling. He could feel his shoulders and neck seizing up more and more, and began to wonder if the bedding was truly to blame. It wasn't the first time he'd messed up his body with stress. He needed to relax, stop letting so many thoughts run through his head, distract himself and see if any clarity would come to him.

“My neck hurts.”

“Oh. I have some anti-inflammatory cream if you want, or I could give you a massage.”

He felt a chuckle crawl into his throat. “Where did you learn that skill?”

“I didn't,” Fabrizio's voice had a smile in it too. “When I say massage, I just mean rubbing it. I know it can help if the problem is the muscles.”

“Go on then, why not?”

Why not indeed, he thought, turning onto his stomach. The mattress moved again and he felt warm fingers stroke over his neck, moving the hair out of the way to get a better grip. He couldn't help making a little moan of approval, and heard Fabrizio's quiet laugh.

“Don't strangle me” he requested.

“Now how would I explain that to the monks?”

The grip tightened briefly, just enough to raise a gasp of surprise, before loosening and resuming the relaxing pressure.

“Where is the pain coming from?” Fabrizio asked.

“On the left.”

The fingers moved to that side and continued their ministrations. Ermal hummed happily, shivering and arching his neck as they strayed too close to the nape.

“Do the shoulders too” he requested.

He felt Fabrizio's hands on his back, the palms rubbing circles over both shoulders, occasionally joined by light pressure from the thumbs. There was nothing remotely medicinal about this. He was simply getting his back rubbed, but God, he could fall asleep right here and now.

“If it's still sore tomorrow, we'll use the cream and give you some painkillers” Fabrizio said suddenly, withdrawing his attention. Ermal rolled over, almost offended.

“Did you get bored?” he demanded.

“I can hear you snoring and you'll suffocate if you fall asleep like that” Fabrizio replied, which well and truly took the wind out of his sails.

“Oh.” Ermal lay on his back and gazed up at the ceiling.

“Did it help?”

It had. Not with his neck, which was as sore as ever, but with his head. It had provided the distraction he needed to clear his thoughts. There were no more half-formed concerns and fears racing through his brain. There was only one crystal clear idea.

“I don't think I want to get married.”

Even saying those words felt like committing a crime.

“Cancel the wedding” Fabrizio said at once.

“No!” he snapped, scandalised. “Do you have any idea of how the real world works? I can't cancel a whole wedding on a whim. All of the arrangements are non-refundable and...Why are you laughing?”

“That's what worries you?” Fabrizio giggled. “If the arrangements were refundable, would you cancel?”

“I don’t know” Ermal said slowly, thinking it through as he spoke.

“Don't get married to someone you don't love” Fabrizio said gently.

“Who says I don't love her? Love isn't all about thumping hearts. It's about forming a stable unit. I wouldn't expect you to understand that.”

“Why not?” Fabrizio asked, the previous warmth vanishing from his voice.

“Why not?” Ermal echoed incredulously. “You pick people up in every country and dump them as soon as you leave. Me, the girl from the Mardi Gras parade, and I bet we weren't the only ones.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Fabrizio demanded. “I met a girl, we clicked, I fell in love with her and I changed all my plans to follow her to New York. I changed my plans for you too, and those were the only two occasions when it ever happened. I do not ‘pick people up’!”

Ermal blinked, feeling his forehead crease. He wanted to ask, but he shouldn’t, but he wanted to, but it didn’t matter, but he wanted to…“What do you mean, you changed your plans for me?”

Fabrizio gave an almost hysterical chuckle and ran a hand through his hair. “I was only planning to be here for three days,” he admitted. “I was in Hong Kong for a week before that and I was heading to Australia via Beijing. The connecting train was in Guilin.”

Ermal’s mind immediately began a helpful playback of all the time they’d spent together. Fabrizio had asked him to share the room in Yangshuo, which didn’t mean anything because he would have stayed there anyway to catch the train in the morning, but in Guilin…In Guilin he’d had no plans, Ermal remembered. Fabrizio had asked him to choose the itinerary. He’d asked him where he was planning to go next and volunteered himself as companion. Oh God…

“That doesn’t change anything,” he insisted, trying to get this fact straight in his head more than convince Fabrizio. “This isn’t real. It’s a fantasy.”

“It's my life.”

Ermal sighed and reached for his hand without thinking, caressing the knuckles. “You're everything I'd want to be if I could have my time again” he admitted quietly.

“Come to Australia with me and see what happens.”

“Sure,” Ermal sighed. “I'll just throw away my whole life for something that might not last a year. What do you think we would do? Walk the Earth hand in hand with our backpacks? No, because you'd get bored with me and I'd get tired of you, and then I'll have nothing.”

“It must be nice to see the future.”

He shook his head. “You're like a butterfly, Fabrizio, going where the wind takes you. I don't think I could live like that. One day I would want to take your butterfly and pin it to the ground, stamp it flat. I would become your Elena.”

“Or you could have wings you never knew about.”

“It's too much of a risk. Besides, I don't uproot my life for anyone I've known less than three weeks” he remarked, trying to lighten the mood.

Fabrizio put a hand on Ermal’s shoulder. “Give me a chance. I’m serious about this.”

Ermal said nothing, focusing on keeping his mind clear and allowing nothing except facts to enter his thoughts. He was getting on that plane in Beijing. That was a fact. Whether the wedding happened or not, he would never see Fabrizio again. Also a fact.

What harm was there in enjoying the time he had left with someone whom he liked so much, living his dreams before the door was closed on them forever? He was ten thousand miles from home and nothing would be changed outside the bubble, but everything would be changed within.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Fabrizio echoed, questioning. His hand trailed down Ermal's arm and held onto his wrist, his thumb gently rubbing over the skin. Ermal sorely wished that he wouldn’t look at him like that, with those wide brown eyes that made him want to believe every word that came out of his beautiful mouth.

He nodded slowly. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please kudos and comment if you enjoyed. Thank you.


	6. Xi'an

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal and Fabrizio are like two spinning magnets. Will they be pulled together or pushed apart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really hope you like this chapter.

Ermal had somehow spent the whole night on Fabrizio’s bed. He hadn’t intended to, but at one moment he was staring into the dark, and in the next the room was bathed with light and he was pressed up against a warm body. Their arms were around each other because it was the only way to avoid slipping off the narrow mattress, and Ermal had to admit that it was one of the best nights of sleep he’d ever had.

He extricated himself as carefully as possible, but there were few ways to move someone’s arm without waking them. As soon as he moved, a frown line appeared on Fabrizio’s forehead and he half-opened his eyes. Ermal watched as they landed on him, registered who he was and then brightened. Fabrizio gave a sleepy smile that lit up his whole face. “Good morning” he said, his voice thick and groggy.

It was hard to know what to make of his reaction. Ermal might have expected satisfaction or triumph after getting what he wanted last night, but not this…this incandescent joy that radiated from him. Fabrizio was looking at him with such tenderness that it was uncomfortable and Ermal had to turn away.

“I should go” he said, addressing the ceiling.

“Go where?” Fabrizio asked, confusion in his voice. When Ermal chanced a look at him, the light in his eyes had dimmed.

“To my own bed” he answered.

“Why? We’re in the same room.”

“Yes, but we can’t risk the monks coming in and finding us like this. It probably breaks some religious law.”

Fabrizio blinked and frowned, and Ermal hated himself for taking away his smile, even if it was necessary. “I could put a sign on the door asking not to be disturbed” the older man suggested.

“Sure, like that won’t make things obvious” Ermal retorted, sitting up. Fabrizio did the same and put a hand on his arm.

“You’re relaxed,” he said. “You would have jumped a mile if I’d tried that before.”

“I wouldn’t” Ermal muttered dismissively.

“Yes, you would. You were like a nervous rabbit when we met. Whatever you’ve run from, it’s losing its hold on you.”

“I haven't run from anything. I'm going back” Ermal snapped, pushing the blanket aside and stepping into the chilly morning air. He immediately regretted his decision, but there was no going back now.

“Are you?” Fabrizio queried, frowning. “You're going to get married after what you told me last night?”

“I said I would give you a chance. I never said I wasn’t going back,” Ermal said. “I still don’t know what I want, Fabrizio. I need time.”

He gratefully climbed into his own bed and pulled the blanket up to his neck, turning to look at Fabrizio and finding the man still staring at him.

“Ermal...Why did you say yes?”

“I suppose I want to see if it’s…If it could be anything other than a dream.”

Fabrizio shook his head impatiently. “I don't mean last night. I mean why did you say yes when your fiancée proposed?”

Ermal felt like he'd been slapped. He suddenly wanted to bolt. “Uh...”

“See, the fact you can't give me an answer is an answer.”

“Shut up,” God, how could he have the nerve to be so sanctimonious? “I'm trying to remember.”

“You don't need to remember. When she pulled out that ring, what was your first thought? Tell me right now without thinking.”

“Shit” Ermal answered quickly.

“Why? No thinking.”

“Because we hadn't been going out for long.”

“How long?”

“Eight months.”

Fabrizio broke off the rapid fire interrogation to pull a face. “But Elena is great,” Ermal added hurriedly. "And she has a good job. I'd be crazy if I let someone like that go.”

“Someone with a good job?” Fabrizio asked sceptically.

“Of course it doesn't make sense to you,” Ermal muttered, shaking his head. “I'm not like you. I need stability. I know what it's like to lose everything and have to start over. I never want to go through what my mother did.”

“So you're marrying a meal ticket?” Fabrizio said relentlessly.

“I love Elena,” he insisted. “There's no reason I wouldn't. She's the ideal girlfriend.”

“You don't know if you love her enough to marry her though.”

Ermal suddenly loathed him with a burning passion. He couldn’t believe he’d risked destroying everything for this asshole! Tomorrow he was leaving for Beijing by himself, he resolved. Fabrizio would be consigned to the past, and what happened in China would stay in China. He felt a bit better for having made that decision.

“Alright, thank you.” His words dripped with sarcasm. “I'm sure the Nepalese shaman who taught you how to read minds or something is very proud of how much you've learned.”

He rolled over to face the wall, and heard Fabrizio respond with a quiet “I’m going to take a shower” before the room fell silent. Immediately he wished he was still on the other mattress with warm arms around him, a hand gently stroking his hair and ticklish butterfly kisses on his cheek. He had to put the pillow over his head to muffle his tears.

**

Xi'an was the most beautiful city he'd ever been to. He'd expected the trip to take only half a day, to see the Terracotta Army and then leave, presuming that there was nothing else to keep them there. Instead he was waylaid by the stunning architecture and gardens. Nearly every building was in the traditional style and they ended up spending the whole morning simply walking around, admiring the scenery and paying a visit to any open temples they found. Long boats glided along the river while they watched. Fabrizio, despite having no work-related reason to be here, had his camera with him and kept snapping as they went. Lunch was some kind of seafood medley on a stick, and only then did they make it to their original destination.

Ermal hadn't anticipated what the Terracotta Army would look like. He'd vaguely imagined some kind of large pit crammed full of identical statues. To be honest, he'd expected it to be boring and had scheduled it into the trip simply because it was one of those things that were supposedly worth seeing. Instead he walked into an enormous chamber with trenches as far as the line could see, filled with people standing in rigid straight lines. They were statues, he knew that, but all he could were people frozen in some kind of mass grave. He took a step back and put a hand over his mouth, feeling like he was about to cry.

“Are you okay?” Fabrizio asked quietly.

Ermal nodded. “They look like real people” he explained.

“I think they're supposed to.”

“I feel like I'm looking at a grave.”

Fabrizio's hand took his, hiding it behind their backs, and squeezed gently. “They're not real” he said.

“But they were real!” Ermal blurted out. “They had lives and dreams and now they're trapped in rock forever!”

Other people in the tour group were looking at him oddly. Fabrizio gestured at them to move on and pulled him over to the corner.

“Sorry I'm being stupid” Ermal mumbled.

“It's not stupid if it makes you feel like this.”

“I can see myself in them,” he confessed. “Stuck, never moving forward, not even a person anymore. Just an ornament.”

Fabrizio let go of his hand and put an arm around his shoulders. Ermal leaned into him, feeling the bubble encompass both of them. The warmth and strength of the other man was too comforting to pass up because of boundaries.

“Why do you think that?” he asked.

“Ever since the wedding planning started, I've felt like I just don't exist anymore,” Ermal said quietly. “I could be replaced with a cardboard cut-out in a suit and nothing would change.”

“Is that why you don't want to get married?”

He chuckled and shrugged gently, trying not to make any sudden moves that would encourage Fabrizio to take his arm away. “I don't know. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if I could see beyond it, but the idea of spending the rest of my life with Elena doesn't excite me. I'm more anxious to get the wedding over so my mother can stop worrying about me.”

“Does she worry a lot?”

“Not about anything specific. She's just given so much for us and I want to make her sacrifices worth it. If I'm settled in a stable relationship with a good job, then I can say I've done her proud.”

Fabrizio was quiet for a second before speaking again. “Wouldn't she want you to be happy?”

“Yes...” Ermal nodded. “Yes, she would want me to be happy. But happiness isn't a permanent state of being,” he added. This point had to be made clear before Fabrizio got any ideas. “It's a series of moments. The rest of the time, you feel no more than a Terracotta man. At least, I don't.”

“Are you happy now?”

He smiled, looking up at Fabrizio. He couldn’t help it. “Yes.”

“Then that's all that matters. Do you want to stay or go?”

“Let's just go and walk around a bit more.”

Fabrizio held his hand as they made their way through the nearby market, idly checking out key rings and necklaces with silver Chinese characters. Ermal always bought small souvenirs like these for his family when he was away. The thought of doing so now, a sign of preparing for his imminent departure, made his chest tighten.

Fabrizio still held his hand as darkness began to creep across the city and those beautiful buildings lit up in jaw-dropping colours. He let go for a few minutes to capture photos, as Ermal stared wide-eyed at the spectacle, and then returned with his head bowed self-consciously.

“Can I take a picture of you too?”

He was gathering souvenirs as well, Ermal realised. He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Fabrizio took five photos before asking Ermal to move closer to the buildings, took another three before suggesting he come towards the lens, and four more before declaring that he was satisfied.

“Are you branching into magazine photography now?” Ermal teased.

“I wanted to get different angles” Fabrizio retorted, grinning.

“Oh, so your new career path is mugshots?”

“Yes,” Fabrizio gently pulled his curls and threw an arm around his shoulders, drawing him in to look at the back of the camera. “Tell me what you like best.”

Ermal went back and forth through the pictures three times before selecting the best from each position. He looked up at Fabrizio's smiling face, so close that his features were blurred, and pecked his cheek before thinking too much about whether he should. Fabrizio smiled warmly and placed a lingering kiss on his forehead.

Their hands were still securely linked as they watched a group of street performers, as they headed towards the railway station, as Ermal’s head leaned on Fabrizio's shoulder while he tried to sleep through the rocking.

“Ermal...” Fabrizio whispered.

“Huh? We there?” he mumbled, lifting his head without opening his eyes.

“Not yet. Open your eyes.”

He blinked his eyes open, rubbed the residual sleep out of them, and gave Fabrizio his attention.

“I’m going to miss you” he said.

Ermal tried to smile. “I’ll miss you too. I’m never going to forget you.”

“Me neither.”

Fabrizio lifted his hand and kissed it like an old-school gentleman, and Ermal giggled with embarrassment and delight. He looked up again to see Fabrizio staring at him and immediately stopped laughing. His eyes were burning with passion and something else that seemed a little too close to love, and Ermal realised that if he didn’t do something quickly, they were going to overstep whatever boundaries were left between them.

He squeezed his eyes shut and turned away, breaking the fragile connection. Fabrizio sighed and hugged him. “Do you think we can make it to Beijing?” he asked. His voice was muffled, but close enough to Ermal’s ear to be audible.

“I don’t know” he whispered.

“This brotherly thing is taking its toll on me.”

“Me too.”

“I see.” He paused before speaking again. “Are you any closer to deciding what you want?”

Ermal took a deep breath and leaned back from the hug to face Fabrizio. “When we get to Beijing,” he said. “I’ll tell Elena…” He trailed off, not knowing how to end that sentence.

“What will you tell her?” Fabrizio asked carefully.

He thought of everything he wanted to say, needed to say, but it seemed impossible to imagine forming those words and sending them into the world. _The wedding is off. I’m not coming back. I’ve met someone else._ It felt like a burden had been lifted to admit those words to himself, but the idea of telling someone else was a different feeling entirely. He focused on Fabrizio again, noted the worried look on his face, and asked himself who it would hurt more to disappoint.

“When we get to Beijing, I’ll tell her that the wedding is off” he declared. That was the easiest admission to make. He watched, with some amusement, as Fabrizio started to smile and then stopped himself. Ermal turned to look out of the window and give him a moment of privacy. He felt a traitorous smile creep onto his own face as a strong arm slipped around his shoulders, followed by another which encircled him in a warm embrace. Fabrizio softly kissed his cheek and then moved his head lower to peck his jawline. Ermal didn’t fight it this time. He relaxed into Fabrizio’s arms, turned his face and allowed pillow soft lips to touch his.

The greatest things in life were firsts. The first bite of a good meal, the first moment of slipping into a warm bath, a first love or a first kiss. It didn't matter whether it was on a dark street bathed in red and gold, or in an almost empty train carriage accompanied by the snores of an old man. The rest of the world fell silent and Ermal never, ever wanted this moment to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed reading and have any nice thoughts to share, I'd be very happy if you left them in the box below. Thank you :)


	7. The Bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal's head and heart continue to do battle, but perhaps the heart is edging towards victory...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slightly shorter chapter, but no less enjoyable. I really like it and I hope that you do too :)

Ermal felt a smile creeping onto his face as he stepped into the berth of the overnight train. It was a dark, cramped space with two bunks and a squat loo behind a sliding door at the far end. Train compartments, he decided, were always going to be a special memory for him. When he looked back at Fabrizio, he saw the other man looking around with a distinctly nostalgic expression, and as their eyes met he winked. Ermal grinned and looked down, trying not to giggle out loud.

“Left or right?” he asked in his most business-like impersonation.

“Right,” Fabrizio answered, swinging his backpack onto the bottom bunk. “Like the old days.”

“The old days,” Ermal echoed. “The old days which were…” He paused to count back in his head. “Less than a fortnight ago.”

“Really? It seems much longer than that.”

“Oh, so time drags when you’re with me? I must be so boring…” He was interrupted by a surprise attack from behind, two arms wrapped tightly around him and a series of loud kisses left on his cheek. He burst out laughing and tried to break free.

“Stop it, we’re still on the platform. People could see.”

Fabrizio obediently let him go, but kept an arm around his shoulders, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Ermal smiled at him.

“Stop looking at me like that” he said quietly.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m a…” He broke off and shook his head.

“An angel?” Fabrizio finished softly.

Ermal scoffed and would have ducked his head inside his shirt like a tortoise, if that had been an option. “I was going to say a statue or something” he muttered.

Fabrizio moved his hand to the curls hanging over his face, pushing them out of the way so Ermal had no hiding place. “A work of art” he remarked

“Are you always like this?” Ermal demanded, smiling because he was unable not to. He was filled with a nameless warm feeling and wished this train would move already so he could hold Fabrizio all the way to Beijing.

“I like romance, caro” the other man said, shrugging, and leaned in to place a lingering kiss against his temple. Ermal leaned into him, enjoying the moment and trying to ignore the shard of ice that pierced his heart, lowering the temperature of his joy.

Fabrizio left him to unpack his pyjamas and Ermal climbed up to his bunk, leaning his head against the wall as he watched the platform through the crack in the curtain. 

Fabrizio certainly did like romance, more than anyone Ermal had ever known, including himself. He made an effort, but he found it uncomfortable to wear his heart on his sleeve. To be on the other side of the experience was…unexpectedly lovely. He had never felt so cherished or special with anyone, but there was no point in ignoring the elephant in the room. Romance wasn’t a relationship. Romance was a sun that cast light and warmth into every corner that its rays touched, brightening the world for a short and fiercely pleasurable time, before it slipped below the horizon and left dullness in its wake.

Surely that was enough, he thought, especially as they were on their way to the city where they would say their final goodbyes. Surely it was enough to enjoy these last few days with the certainty- even the security- of knowing that it would never become more than this. This was what he wanted, a last fantasy before he settled down to a normal life.

This was what he wanted, right?

“Hey…”

He turned to see Fabrizio standing beside his bunk again, smiling up at him.

“It’ll be tomorrow afternoon before we arrive in Beijing. Do you want some company?”

Fabrizio’s bunk was two arm’s lengths away from his. Company could be easily found without moving, but he knew that wasn’t what he was asking. Ermal nodded and gestured for him to climb up. He laughed as Fabrizio’s bulk arrived in the too small bunk, squashing him against the wall as he sought to get comfortable between a body and a wooden bar.

Finally they were both settled and Fabrizio reclined against the pillow. “Hey” he said again.

“Hey” Ermal replied. He slid down to lie beside him, smiling as he felt the tips of their noses touch. They lay there like that, saying nothing and smiling like children, until the whistle blew and the train’s engines roared into life.

“Oh, at last” Fabrizio sighed. The train jolted forward and began to move. After a few minutes had passed, Ermal sat up to check that they were out of the city and among the fields, and then rolled over to face Fabrizio completely.

“It’s going to be a long journey” the older man said.

Ermal hummed in agreement. “How are we going to fill the time?”

“Sleep, read, talk...”

“We could talk. Tell me more stories” Ermal suggested eagerly.

Fabrizio giggled like a gruff-voiced child. “Oh, okay. What stories haven’t you heard?”

“Tell me something different. What about the times when things went wrong? It can’t all be sunshine and rainbows to run around the world with no plans.”

Fabrizio hummed thoughtfully. “It isn't, but I don't know if those make such good stories.”

“I'd like to hear them anyway” Ermal insisted. Fabrizio smiled and pushed a curl back from his forehead, tracing a path over Ermal’s cheekbone. He wasn’t sure if the other man was thinking or was simply making his own amusement, but he soon got his answer.

“I was shot in Johannesburg,” Fabrizio said. “They weren't aiming at me, but at someone across the street. They never caught who did it. It was only a graze, but you can imagine my mother's response when she found out.”

Fabrizio took his hand and guided it under his shirt, rubbing his fingers across his left pec. Sure enough Ermal could feel a line of soft, slightly raised skin. He wouldn’t have noticed it if Fabrizio hadn’t drawn his attention to it.

“That is a good story, very dramatic” he remarked.

“I've got food poisoning a few times, and mostly from restaurants rather than street food,” Fabrizio continued. “I've had flu twice, once in Greece, which was where I was robbed. Someone in the guest house took care of me. I was too delirious to know who, but I woke in the morning to find that all of my cash and my ring were gone.”

Ermal gasped in horror. “That's evil.”

“On one hand, it is evil. On the other hand, they did care for me all night beforehand and they left my credit card. I would have had to call my mother to come and get me if they'd taken that.”

“Do you ever miss home?”

“No. I've found that homesickness is caused by watching calendars. If you accept that you aren't going home again, you won't miss it.”

“Accept St Christopher into your heart” Ermal intoned mockingly.

Fabrizio rolled his eyes. “You tease, but I learned from experience. For the first couple of months, I had no fun because I kept thinking about going home for Christmas so I couldn't settle. When I left again, I decided that travelling was going to be my life and I haven't missed home since.”

“Don't your family miss you?”

“They do, but I talk to them a lot. I just can't go home because I know it'll hurt too much to leave again. Now,” Fabrizio shifted and fixed Ermal with an attentive look. “I'm tired of talking about me. Let's talk about you.”

“I haven’t got anything interesting to say.”

“Back at the monastery, you said that you’d lost everything and had to start over. Is there a story there?”

Ermal sighed. He’d dug that grave for himself. “It’s not a good one. You can hear it if you want though.”

“Only if you want to tell it.”

“It’s a pretty long story and it starts before I was born. I’m from Albania…”

By the time Ermal had finished speaking, his throat was dry, his eyes stung and the carriage had grown dark. Outside the sky had turned black and glittering silver stars were starting to appear. “So yeah,” he concluded. “I didn’t mean to give you my whole autobiography. At least it filled a bit of time.”

Fabrizio leaned in to place a soft kiss on his cheek, and Ermal felt his hand gently brushing his curls back from his face. He shifted forward to press their foreheads together. The more points of connection he had with Fabrizio, the calmer he felt.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Fabrizio didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. His arm snaked around Ermal’s back and hugged him against his chest. Owing to the small size of the bunk, there was very little space between their bodies at any point. Ermal flinched slightly and then settled into the embrace, putting his arm around Fabrizio in return. Perhaps this was how they would stay for the rest of the journey to Beijing. He felt so entangled with Fabrizio that he wasn’t sure how he’d manage to pull free when the time came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Leave a kudos or comment to make a writer smile <3


	8. Beijing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time to make a decision is close at hand. Will Ermal's wings be able to carry him when it counts?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter came out well and you enjoy reading about the latest development in our two travellers' journey.

As soon as he arrived in Beijing, he had the sense that he wouldn't like it. There was nothing wrong with the place per se. The mix of cosmopolitan and traditional architecture was as engaging as ever, but as he stood at the window of their Western-style hotel, he found the scene depressingly dull. Temples and palaces competed with apartment buildings and skyscrapers, and a light grey fog lay over everything, obscuring the view halfway to the horizon.

“Have you seen the size of the bathtub in here?” Fabrizio asked, emerging from the bathroom. Ermal glanced over his shoulder and quickly looked away, trying not to laugh when he saw Fabrizio bare-chested with only a towel around his hips. He looked good though.

“No,” he answered. “Have you seen the bed?”

It ambitiously called itself a double bed, when it was in fact two twins pushed together. Ermal had tested it while Fabrizio was showering and determined that it was only slightly more spacious than their bunk on the overnight train. He looked over his shoulder again and admired Fabrizio’s back as he sat down, rubbing a small towel over his hair.

“Who's taking the kid’s bed?” Fabrizio asked, gesturing to a camp bed meant for children in the corner. Ermal had tested that too. The mattress was far softer than on the adult bed.

“I'll fight you for the kid’s bed.”

Fabrizio turned his head and grinned at him. “So what would you like to do in Beijing?”

“What do you recommend?”

“There's less to do than you think. I suppose we'll start with the Great Wall.”

Ermal nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Today or tomorrow?”

He turned his face away to look out of the window, at the early morning glow struggling to break through the pollution. “I vote today.”

**

The Great Wall was packed with people all the way along. It bore no resemblance to the images of perfect isolation that tourist brochures liked to sell. Ermal and Fabrizio slalomed their way through the crowd, constantly stopping and starting in an attempt to avoid photobombing as much as possible, and reaching for each other’s hands so they weren’t separated. When they finally found a spare piece of wall where they could stop and look at the scenery, Ermal felt as if he could finally breathe, and heaved the sigh he’d been holding in.

“You look disappointed” Fabrizio noted.

“I didn't think there'd be so many people here” Ermal muttered.

“It's the most popular tourist attraction in the country and you didn't expect crowds?”

“It's always empty in photos,” he snapped. “I thought it'd be long enough to accommodate visitors with their own space. I'm not the one who's travelled the world. I have to trust what the brochures say.”

“Hey, don't get annoyed” Fabrizio urged, rubbing a hand over his back.

The fight left him and he leaned back into the other man's hold. “I wanted today to be special” he admitted.

“It is,” Fabrizio's arms wrapped around him and he put his head on Ermal's shoulder. “This is one of the wonders of the world. Look at that view. It's spectacular.”

Ermal reached up and caressed the hand on his stomach. “I wanted to spend time with you, just us.”

“We could have done that without going anywhere” Fabrizio remarked mischievously, and kissed his cheek.

Ermal found himself smiling, turning to face him, and slipped his arms around his waist. He closed his eyes as Fabrizio touched their foreheads together, feeling as light as a feather, as if he could float away over the green hills.

“Are you telling her tonight?”

He was instantly grounded in the reality of their situation and opened his eyes, blinking in the harsh sunlight. “Tomorrow, I thought. I don’t want to ruin today.”

Fabrizio nodded, but his eyes looked worried. “I’m leaving in two days.”

“I know,” Ermal said quickly. “Everything will be clear by then.”

“Okay.” Fabrizio bit his lip and then spoke in a rush. “Will you be coming with me?”

He sounded so nervous and Ermal felt his heart ache. “I want to,” he admitted. “I just…I’ve already messed up so many plans. If I don’t come home at all, my family…”

“If you go home, you won’t come back” Fabrizio said simply.

Ermal nodded and the arms around him adjusted their hold. “Life doesn't mean anything if you aren't happy,” Fabrizio said. “If you live according to what other people want, you never will be.”

Ermal scoffed. “There you go again with the fortune cookie sayings.”

“Can I say one more?”

“Sure.”

“People don't really care about how you live. It's all in your head. If you kill yourself trying to be what you think others expect you to, it will make you feel awful when you realise the sacrifice was for nothing.”

Ermal had to admit that that one struck home, perhaps the first time that one of Fabrizio’s pithy sayings had hit their mark. Fabrizio must have sensed that he was listening because he continued.

“If you tell your family the truth, you might be surprised. I think it's worth the risk, assuming you really do want to join me.”

“I'll think about it,” Ermal promised, and then lifted his head. “You have freckles in the sun.”

“Oh...” Fabrizio lifted a hand to his face as if trying to hide them. Ermal pulled it away and replaced it with his own.

“No, I like them. I don't think I've ever told you how much.”

Fabrizio grinned shyly and Ermal once again felt an overwhelming rush of affection, and maybe even more. He moved his hand to the back of Fabrizio's neck and pulled him closer, placing a kiss on those freckles, noting how warm they were and doing it again to enjoy the sensation.

**

The next day was spent exploring the city. They hired sit-up-and-beg bikes from a street vendor and raced towards Tiananmen Square, stopping along the way to capture a photo of a temple. Every inch of it was decorated in red, gold and blue, and it shone like a jewel. Something seemed to be happening in the Square as they arrived, as it was packed full of people flying colourful kites shaped like butterflies. Several vendors stood outside the area, selling the kites. Fabrizio and Ermal glanced at each other and swiftly joined the queue.

As soon as they had the kites in their hands, Fabrizio took off into the crowd, eyes on the soaring blue butterfly above his head, and Ermal tried to give chase. His butterfly was slowing him down though. It wasn't taking off properly and when he lifted it and tossed it into the air, one of the wings tore and it fluttered back to the ground. When he looked up, Fabrizio was gone. There was a sea of butterflies sailing above the square, mostly red, but enough blue to make it impossible to find him again.

Ermal wandered into the square, his kite held securely in his hands, following all the blue butterflies and every time finding the string held by an unfamiliar face. Finally he just stopped and stood in the middle of crowd, looking up at the butterflies. They were so high above him, far out of his reach, just like Fabrizio. This was what life would always be, Fabrizio rushing ahead and leaving him behind, with his fragile wings that struggled to lift him off the ground.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around him unexpectedly, and he dropped the yellow butterfly in surprise. It skated across the ground before abruptly catching a gust of wind and taking to the skies. Ermal watched it fly past all of the other kites and beyond them, higher than anyone else. There was no-one on the ground to hold it down anymore. It was free.

He felt tears sting his eyes and closed them, allowing the bubble to lock out the rest of the world for a moment.

“I love you” Fabrizio said.

Ermal opened his eyes and watched the butterfly until it had vanished completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? :)


	9. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the final countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoy reading :)

After dinner, he removed himself to an Internet cafe and opened his emails. He was dreading the sight of Elena’s name and sure enough there she was, at the very top of the inbox, not letting him avoid the duty he’d promised to fulfil for even a moment. From the subject line, her correspondence was in relation to the tables at the reception, and he grimaced before clicking on it.

_Ermal,_  
Your brother knows someone who would be able to carve swan-shaped ice sculptures for the table decoration. I would prefer flower bouquets myself, but I suppose both of them are equally likely to wilt during the course of the evening, and the price offered for the swans is good. The deciding vote is yours and please cast it ASAP as the clock is very quickly running out.  
Elena. 

That was so much like Elena. She knew what she wanted, but she was willing to choose something else because it cost less. Maybe they were a good match after all.

He placed his hands on the keyboard to type a reply and the choices danced before his eyes. How was he supposed to explain all of this in an email?

_I would prefer flower bouquets myself, but I suppose both of them are equally likely to wilt during the course of the evening, and the price offered for the swans is good. The deciding vote is yours and please cast it ASAP as the clock is very quickly running out._

If only she knew that the choice was about so much more than table decorations.

He stared at the screen for several long minutes, willing his paralysed fingers to move.

**

He opened the door and found Fabrizio sitting on the end of the bed, looking straight at him as if he'd been waiting for the door to open.

“Hey” he said quietly.

Somehow that one word, delivered in such a soft and gentle tone, was enough to unleash a wave of pain that Ermal thought would rip his heart in two. A sob leapt out of his mouth and then he was bent over, hands over his face to contain the tears.

Fabrizio was there at once, pulling him inside and closing the door, wrapping him in his arms and murmuring reassurances.

“Stop being nice to me,” Ermal begged, even as he clung onto him. “Stop it.”

He felt himself being moved across the room, the bedframe under his legs compelling him to sit down, and Fabrizio still holding onto him.

“It's okay,” he said. “Let it all out. It's okay.”

“It's not okay! I've ruined everything!” Ermal insisted. He pressed his face into Fabrizio's chest, feeling like he could cry unstoppably for hours, and then the storm passed as quickly as it began. It was a funny thing his emotions did, as if they had a schedule and an egg timer attached. He sat up and rubbed the last traces of salt from his face. “I'm sorry” he said calmly.

“Are you alright?” Fabrizio asked worriedly. He was going to upset him again if he didn't stop being so caring.

“I'm fine,” Ermal replied, noting how his voice wavered slightly and wanting to knock it back into line like a drill sergeant with a disobedient recruit. “I'm sorry, Fabrizio. I didn't tell her.”

The silence lasted for a second too long.

“You’ve decided then” Fabrizio said, an odd mixture of firmness and fear in his tone.

“Yes,” Ermal said. He held Fabrizio's hand, tracing the sun with his thumb. He didn't pull away, but he didn't return the grip either. “I know this will make no sense to you, but I can’t just pull free of all my responsibilities, no matter how much I might want to.”

Fabrizio looked away. 

“I love you,” Ermal said. That disobedient recruit was once again marching out of step. “I mean it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I never will again.”

“It’s not enough” Fabrizio said quietly. Ermal felt a stone of dread sinking into his stomach. He tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. There was nothing he could say. 

Without another word, Fabrizio wrapped his arms around him and they held each other for a moment in silence. It felt like the hug his mother had given him when she left them at their grandmother’s house, the hug his grandmother had given him when they left for Italy, that his sister had given him when he moved to Milan. Warm and tight and filled with so much love, and feeling so much like a final farewell.

“You need to do whatever is right for you. It’s your life, Ermal. You have to be happy with it. Nobody else matters, only you.”

He pulled away and the watery glaze in his eyes felt like a knife through the heart. It hurt more than Ermal had thought possible to see red-rimmed eyes and wet cheeks, knowing he caused this, and he wanted to kick himself for being so crap.

“I could promise you the world and you wouldn't believe me” Fabrizio said, trying to sound light-hearted.

“Probably not” Ermal agreed, matching his tone even as he felt his eyes sting again.

Fabrizio nodded and finally gripped his hand, squeezing Ermal's fingers. He bit his lip as if his mouth was protesting the words it was called upon to form.

“Then let's quit while we're ahead. I just want you to know that the past couple of weeks have been perfect.”

He let go of Ermal and ran to the bathroom. The taps had turned on almost as soon as the door had slammed shut, but not quick enough to conceal the sound of crying. Ermal felt tears slip down his cheeks and ran, out of the room and down the stairs, across the lobby and into the street. He didn't know or care where he was going. He just had to get out of there. He was doing the right thing, he told himself repeatedly. Of course he was. Anyone would agree that he was doing the morally and pragmatically correct thing.

It was going to take years before he got over this, if he ever did. Rinald would say that if he knew that, why not stop and go back? What was more important than being happy? That was what his brother would say. His mother would be unhappy, but not at the cancelled wedding. She'd be sad that Elena wasn't the one for him after all, but she'd be devastated if he married someone for any reason other than love. And his grandmother...Well, she'd berate him for giving up the chance of a lifetime to sit in an armchair and be boring. The thought made him laugh through the tears and he hiccupped.

There was a pay phone up ahead, like a sign from above. He stepped inside, fumbled for some coins in his pocket and anxiously drummed his fingers against the handset as he listened to the ringing from thousands of miles away. Please pick up, he begged. He didn’t have enough money for another chance. He heard the click and sighed in relief.

“Mama...”

“Dashuri,” she gasped. “Why are you phoning? It must be costing you a fortune.”

“I needed to talk to you. I couldn't email. Listen, I have to explain before the money runs out. I've met someone...” He paused, but his mother appeared to be taking the instruction to listen seriously. “It's a man. His name is Fabrizio, he's a travel writer, he says he loves me and I love him too. He wants me to come with him instead of going home and I want to, Mama, I really want to, but I don't want to leave you and I don't want to ruin everyone by cancelling the wedding because it cost so much money and...”

“Can I please interrupt?”

“Yeah, sure,” He sagged against the wall of the phone box, feeling like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He always felt so safe when she was there, and the effect was the same even on the phone. “So what do you think?”

“I think you've answered your own question.”

“But the wedding isn't refundable.”

“No, but Elena did arrange that the date could be changed for no extra cost if something went wrong. She's efficient like that. And you know that Sabina has been saving up to get married. If I put the idea to her, I'm sure she'll be delighted.”

“Oh.” He was surprised by how much tension left him in that moment. “And what about you? It might be a long time before I'm home.”

“I trust you'll come to visit us. Besides, you're an adult with your own life. You have the right to live it without worrying about us.”

“Thanks Mama.” He started to smile and then heard the phone beep. “Oh, the money's about to go.”

“Keep in touch, love, and let us see this man who's swept you off your feet.”

“Sure.”

“Be happy.”

She was gone. He put the phone down, feeling lighter than he had for months. With every step he took back to the hotel, he felt more buoyant, until he thought he could take one big jump and fly. It was hard not to start running to get back quicker, to see Fabrizio and explain that everything was okay. He'd do everything to earn his forgiveness, cuddle and kiss him and give all the love he'd been holding back out of some misguided principle, until his heart was mended with no trace of a scar.

He took the stairs three at a time and whistled as he strode down the corridor, slotting his key into the lock and swinging the door open.

The bathroom door was open. Fabrizio wasn't there.

His backpack was gone. His toothbrush wasn’t in the bathroom. Ermal ran around the room in search of a note, some explanation for where he’d gone, but there was nothing. He’d just left. Ermal sat down on the bed and stared unseeingly at the wall. He must be going to Australia. He had to be. If not there, he could be anywhere in the world and Ermal couldn’t follow.

He had to go to Australia and find him, he decided, which was a good plan until he thought about it for more than three seconds. He had no idea where Fabrizio planned to go. Some small town with a cooking pot festival that he couldn’t remember the name of, a kangaroo sanctuary in the middle of nowhere…He didn’t even know what city he was flying into. He couldn’t find him.

It was over.

His already wounded heart was ripped apart anew in the exact same place, and the agony brought him to his knees. He grabbed a pillow and pressed his face into it, muffling his screams.

It seemed like only seconds had passed before the egg timer went off and he sat up, taking deep breaths, feeling like he was in shock. The bubble contained only one person now and it was like a prison. Mechanically he lifted his suitcase onto the bed and began to pack. His scheduled flight wasn't until tomorrow, but he might as well go home now. There was nothing left for him back there, but he couldn’t stay here anymore.

He went downstairs to the reception area and handed over the room key. The woman behind the front desk took it, held up a finger to tell him to wait, and ducked out of sight. She emerged with a postcard and handed it to him. Confused, Ermal looked at the photo of the Imperial Palace on the front and then turned it over. His heart performed a similar flip and the torn pieces meshed themselves back together.

_I’ll wait on Bondi Beach every day for two weeks._

He wouldn’t have to.

It had taken Ermal this long to accept that it wasn’t enough to have a life he could tolerate. Now he had someone he couldn’t live without, and no matter where that took him, his heart demanded that he follow its lead for once. Pension plans would just have to wait.

He sprinted out to the street and stuck his arm in the air as a taxi sailed towards him. Fortunately it stopped and he dived into the back seat. “The airport please, as quick as you can” he demanded.

The Chinese taxi driver, understanding nothing except the universal language of urgency and hand signals, put the pedal to the floor and sped through the city. Ermal clung onto the seat, exhilarated and terrified all at once. What if he’d already gone through? Okay, so he’d have to buy a ticket and look for him in the Departures lounge. At the worst he’d have to go to Australia alone and meet him at Bondi, but he would find him. He would have to rely on that faith in the universe that Fabrizio talked about, take a risk, but it was bound to be good practice for the life that lay ahead.

They screeched to a halt outside the airport and Ermal threw all of the Chinese currency he had at the driver- no need for that where he was going- and raced into the hall. He looked up at the Departures board, anxiously waiting for the information to switch to English, searching for the next flight to Australia. There it was, Sydney in three hours! He did a full 360, running his eyes over the lines in front of the check-in desks, and then skipped a breath.

Fabrizio stood out among all the Chinese travellers, with his bulky backpack and messy hair and, most importantly, the enormous queue forming behind him while he tried to make himself understood by flipping the pages in a phrasebook. Ermal felt like he was dreaming as he moved towards him. He opened his mouth to call out, but all of his running had left him too breathless.

“Fa…Bizio!”

Fabrizio’s head turned. Ermal heaved a breath and raised his arm, waving in huge arcs. Fabrizio looked straight at him and then gave the most beautiful smile Ermal had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, kudos and have a nice day. Thank you <3


	10. Zanzibar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time flies! It seems like hardly any time has passed since I returned to this story, but I've been so happy with the reaction it's gotten as it picked up steam. As always, I'm sad to reach the end, but it's been a lot of fun telling this tale. I hope you have enjoyed it and that you like the last chapter :)

The flight to Australia was delayed. It worked out well for them, as they were so engrossed in each other that they ended up having to run for it.

They spent a month travelling around the country, having all of the adventures that were promised. Ermal couldn't speak for how fun herding camels on a motorbike was, but it was certainly fun to ride along with the ranch hand who assisted in a helicopter. The kangaroo sanctuary was a particular highlight of the trip. The couple who ran it turned out to be lovely people and the two men spent a few extra days in their home, sleeping under a sky filled with stars that stretched to the horizon, and meeting the orphaned joey that they were hand-raising.

They finished the trip at the Great Barrier Reef, although they didn't visit it. Fabrizio said that it only got more depressing as time went on.

Afterwards they spent a few weeks in Madrid, while Fabrizio worked on a city break article for a travel magazine. He'd chosen the Spanish city, he explained, because he'd never visited or seen it profiled in the magazine before. It had the added attraction of being a mere jump away from Italy. Fabrizio's philosophy of leaving everything behind was not one Ermal had or ever would adopt, so he insisted they return to home soil, not knowing when the next opportunity would be.

They ended up staying through Christmas and into mid-January, and Ermal had never enjoyed the festive season more. He was able to spend five weeks in Bari with his family, introducing them to Fabrizio in the process, and the homecoming went a lot more smoothly than he'd dared to hope. He explained the story and once his mother had overcome her surprise- not that he'd taken up with a man, but that he'd wandered off with a stranger on the basis of a three hour conversation- she was happy for him and Fabrizio's shy politeness won her over within approximately seven minutes of their meeting.

Rinald, upon hearing all of the stories, groaned and dramatically clung onto his brother's arm. “Where are you going next? Anywhere nice?”

Ermal looked at Fabrizio for the answer and received a shrug. “I have a plan, but I still need to spin the globe” he said.

“If you're going somewhere like Norway or Canada, please take me with you” Rinald begged.

Ermal laughed. “It's a deal.”

Miria was surprisingly willing to talk to him when she arrived. Usually his niece liked to punish him for simply living in Milan without calling enough, never mind being halfway across the world, but she ran straight into his arms at the sight of him.

“Are you home now?” she demanded excitedly.

“I'm home for Christmas” he replied diplomatically.

She was too smart to fall for that. “When are you coming back to live?”

“I'm not sure, but I'll be back one day and I'll talk to you a lot while I'm away.”

To be honest, he would probably keep in closer contact with his family from across the globe than he had from across the country. He felt their absence acutely when they were truly out of reach.

Miria regarded him suspiciously. “You have to come back for special times though.”

“And I will.”

“Like Mama and Papa's wedding?”

“What?” He looked at his sister, standing sheepishly in the doorway.

“I wasn't sure how to bring that up,” Sabina said. She was trying not to smile, her excitement overcoming her concern. “All of the wedding arrangements were non-refundable, but they were willing to let us move the date. Stefano and I always intended to get married once we had the time and money, so...Thanks, big brother.”

“When is it happening?” he asked eagerly.

“Next September, so you have time to prepare. Get us a really exotic wedding present” she suggested with a wink.

“Sure, would an African tribal mask do?”

She laughed and opened her arms to accept his congratulatory hug. “I'm so happy for you, Sab. And God, I'm happy I didn't ruin everything for you guys.”

“No, Elena got a great holiday to Thailand and she was more concerned with all of her organisation going to waste than anything else. She was very grateful to me. You just need to put Rinald in your suitcase and you'll have made everyone's dreams come true.”

That night, back in his childhood bedroom and hugging Fabrizio’s warm body, he whispered into the dark. “It really did work out for the best.”

Fabrizio kissed his hair. “I told you, life has a funny habit of doing that.”

“Fortune cookie” Ermal accused, and grinned as he felt his boyfriend’s chest shake with laughter.

The trip to Rome was much shorter, only two weeks, and was spent mostly following the tourist trail. It rained non-stop on the day they went to the Colosseum and, when they got back to their accommodation, Fabrizio's mother provided them with everything from a thermometer to magazines to chocolate to cough mixture. Fabrizio seemed embarrassed by it all, but Ermal was reminded of his grandmother and immediately developed a warm fondness for her.

The meeting with Fabrizio's family also provided the answer for Rinald. It came out during dinner, when Mr Mobrici asked if he had any plans to come home and get a normal job soon.

“I'm making enough money to live on,” Fabrizio replied. “Actually, I'm going to start a new book next year.”

“Oh, what's this one about?” his mother asked interestedly.

He scratched the back of his neck nervously, glancing at Ermal. “I'm thinking of trying something different. Rather than experiences in a lot of places, I could write about daily life in one place. I don't know, it's worth trying to see if it works.”

“Does that mean you'll be settling down somewhere?” his mother asked.

“Kind of. I'd have to stay in one place for three to six months to get a proper understanding of life there.”

“And where will you go?”

Once again he glanced at Ermal. “I was thinking of Zanzibar” he said, making it sound vaguely like a question.

“Where is Zanzibar?”

“Exactly. It might be a good opportunity to teach people about countries they know nothing about. And it's an island off the coast of Tanzania” he added.

Ermal held his hand under the table. “I'd love to see Africa.”

They'd been here for three months now. Fabrizio was in the planning stage of his book and moved a lot around the island, gathering information and stories. Ermal was a little more sedentary, but he too was kept busy. He tutored English to a group of bright, endlessly mischievous and utterly adorable kids. When not doing that, he was swimming in the Indian Ocean or being pulled into beachside football games in which he was an embarrassment to his team, or spending time with his boyfriend.

The sun still hadn't set on Fabrizio's romantic tendencies. He still insisted on a kiss before he left the house in the morning or went to sleep at night, and not a week passed in which Ermal didn't receive flowers, or was distracted from making dinner by an invitation to waltz, or had to be wary of passing an open doorway in case he was pulled inside for a kiss. He wished he'd known six months ago that their relationship would only grow stronger and better. He had always thought that love was something that burned and died like a candle, before fading into tolerance or outright dislike, but Fabrizio's love was like a fire in the hearth that never lost its warmth. He had learned so much about himself and about life already from his lover.

It was inevitable that they would leave eventually. Already Fabrizio had mentioned, on an evening spent looking through photo albums, that it had been years since he’d visited South America and it would be amazing to go back with Ermal. No matter how happy life was here, his wanderlust would get the better of him one day and Ermal had no intention of pinning him down. Maybe somewhere down the road, they'd find a place they loved enough to set down roots, or maybe age would force the choice from their hands. Whatever would be would be. Ermal was fed-up with trying to predict the future and missing the present, and the present right now was glorious.

Tomorrow they were taking a Jeep ride through Kichwele Forest Reserve to get some photos for the book. They were going to be out all day and would probably see the sunset from a dirt track, and Ermal would be surprised if being tossed around in the back of the car wasn't terrifying, but he knew it would also be exhilarating and he was very much looking forward to it.

He was nearly 40 years old and life was just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much to everyone who has read, left kudos or a comment. Special thanks must go to UselessAnimal for reviving this story from the dead and her continuing enthusiasm and support. I have loved reading this story through your eyes and falling in love with it all over again.
> 
> If you would like to leave a kudos or comment, it would make me very happy <3


End file.
